Little Tremors

28 Aug

This week NYC (and most of the East Coast) has undergone not one but two Acts of God: tremors resulting from an earthquake in Virginia and Hurricane Irene.   These two events highlighted to me that I am all by myself.  I needed to take action to support my son and I during both of these events.  There was no one to say to me – I’ll get the milk, you get the water, let’s cook together and make sure we have flashlights.  The day of the tremors I immediately went to my son’s daycare center to make sure he was alright.  There was no one else to consult of whether I should get him or is he safer there.  I made the decision my gut told me to and I picked up him from his nap and brought him to outside of the buildings.   In the end it was a non-event but at the time I had no partner to ask what is the best thing to do.  I imagined my life with a partner to consult – and now it is all up to me.  It makes me feel lonely that during these times of natural disasters – I am virtually by myself.

Walking the streets of NYC this afternoon, assessing the damage Hurricane Irene unleashed here, I observed all of the families and couples and I wonder to myself – “why don’t I have that?”  My immediate reaction is to ask why am I not good enough for someone to want “THAT” with me.   This way of thinking forces me into a downward spiral of negativity and sadness. 

In order to stop these negative thoughts, I am slowly whispering to myself that anyone who gives me a chance will learn that I am special and that any person who gives me a chance will realize that he is lucky to have found me (instead of me wondering if I am good enough for the person I am dating).   I am learning that what meaning we ascribe to events in our life  that impacts how we see ourselves and perhaps who we attract.  It was not easy to spend this weekend by myself but I realize now that I should focus on the negative thoughts, instead, during this lonely time in my life, I vow to get to know myself so that I will grow to love myself and next time I decide to enter into a relationship –  I will know that person is lucky to have found me and I will not doubt myself again.   My love for myself will hopefully set the base for a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

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2 Responses to “Little Tremors”

  1. susan August 28, 2011 at 11:30 pm #

    You are right…anyone who you choose to spend your life with will be the lucky one!!

    • CityMama August 30, 2011 at 12:51 am #

      Thank you. I need to keep telling myself that because if I continue to do so – I will actually believe it one day (I hope!).

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