Archive | October, 2011

The Power of Now

22 Oct
Cover of "The Power of Now: A Guide to Sp...

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A New Earth
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I have been working on my personal evolution to allow my inner light to shine brightly for almost three years now.  My light, as you  know by now, was almost destroyed by my ex-husband.  I have been working on exposing my light since the day I left my home for the emergency room with my soon to be brother-in-law and my infant son.  I’m not going to say it was easy.  This road has truly been a difficult journey. I continue to be enlightened everyday about how to change the way I think about my life, how to accept the path I have taken and to be comfortable with the uncertainty about where it is going.

 It has been almost three years since I realized that there was no turning back – my marriage wasn’t going to grow and that it was actually destroying me, and if I stayed, destroy my infant son’s emotional well being.  I made the decision that I had to leave but I was so weak – I needed a sign from the Universe to support this decision.  I had not told a living soul what was truly happening inside my home.  It was DISTRUBIA.  On a daily basis  I asked the universe to give me the power to escape the hell I was living in and the universe answered almost immediately with an event that changed my life forever.  And I never looked back.  I knew the Universe answered me – gave me the sign and support that helped me to know that even though I had taken vows to this man – I can break them.   In addition, the Universe made sure that I had the support of my selfless parents and loving friends to help support me through those difficult months when I had to not only grow my self-confidence, my love of myself, but also to fight the most difficult battle I had every encountered with another human being.  The Universe delivered people into my life at the right time that helped me to make decisions that were difficult and untraditional and each time I made it through – I know now that I am resilient and strong.

I’m nostalgic because it is one month short of the three years since this war had been waged in my life.  I have grown so much and I have learned so much.  However, there is much more learning to do.  I received a gift from one of those supportive friends of the “Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle.  I have been struggling with achieving that inner peace that Mr. Tolle discusses in his books.  He talks about thinking about your relationship with the Now.  He says most people treat the present moment “as a means to an end, as an obstacle, or as an enemy” (see A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, p. 202).  I’ve always struggled with being “in the moment”.  I’m always thinking about the future.   This is so limiting.  The Now is the only thing that is important because we don’t know what the future will hold.  The past is the past and I have not control over changing what has been done.  I have been struggling with accepting the Now.  While I am grateful for all of the wonderful things in the NOW, I’m always worrying about what the future will deliver to me.  My goal for the next few weeks is to focus on the Now.   

 Mr. Tolle says is that we should not judge what is happy or sad in our life – we should just say to ourselves as we experience different events in our life – “this too shall pass.”  He believes that this will bring awareness that these are fleeting moments in every situations – good or bad — and “when you become aware of the transience of all forms, your attachment to them lessens and you disidentify from them to some extent.”  He believes that this detachment will allow you to enjoy the pleasures of the world while they last without fear of loss or anxiety about the future.”   (Id. p., 225)  THIS prior statement really resonated with me.  This is what I need in my life.  I need to enjoy the pleasures of my life – without fear of loss or anxiety about the future.  I have never done that before.  I want to start doing that Now. 

I endured some painful suffering three years ago – “and it too shall pass” – I know it because it has passed.  Now, I need to focus on this happy, peaceful time in my life.   I know that this “too shall pass” but I will try my best to enjoy the pleasures of the moment without the anxiety of what the future holds.

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Asking the Universe Again

21 Oct
Love Book - The Top 50 Most Trusted Experts Re...

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I believe that if you ask for something, you keep putting it out there and you really want something – your prayers will be answered by the divine.  I’ve put many requests out there that I really wanted and each prayer was answered.  I’ve been dating a little bit lately and dating has me thinking –  what is it that I want in a man?  I have a “list” and my “list” according to many friends is long.   The universe pretty much delivered a man to me that was in response to my list but what I realized by dating the guy that fits the “list” is that a deep relationship is not only about someone meeting this “list” of items that I want in a person but also it really is about how I feel when I’m with this person.  Today, I am going to begin by focusing not on my “list” but instead about how I feel and my son feels when we are with this special person.

This week I told Elevator Man that I had to end our short dating experience.  I knew that I felt no chemistry with him from that first kiss but even more so I knew that he couldn’t offer me what I wanted in a relationship.  He told me  on the first date that he didn’t want anymore children and he was looking to have fun.  I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to have another child but I do know that I never had my chance at a family life.  I certainly want to have fun but I want more than just having fun – –  I want a deep relationship.

I am searching for a  man with integrity with good, strong character who makes me feel emotionally safe and always loved.  When I am with this special man I know that I can relax and rely on him to take care of me and my son.  This man will be a good role model for my son to admire and respect as he grows into a man.  This special man will be my partner in life – in every sense of the word.  He will  join me and my son in our journey and truly be part of our lives.  He will love me and will love my son.  My son will laugh with him and feel comfortable in every way a child should feel comfortable with a father.  I will always feel confident and beautiful with this man.  We will laugh alot together and be content with each other’s company.  We will be able to discuss difficult subject matters and resolve them and move forward together.   We will have amazing physical chemistry, emotional chemistry and intellectual chemistry.  We will feel connected on all levels.  He will believe in true love and so will I. My son will never feel like this man was never part of our lives and neither will I.  We will be a family.

Well, there it is – I am putting it out there how I believe I should feel in a deep relationship with a special man who I believe is looking for me as I write this note.   I know the universe will answer and it will be when I’m ready to recieve this special person in my life.

Reaping so much more than Apples from the harvest

18 Oct
Traditional apple orchard in Eastwood, Essex

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We drove over one hour to a farm north of the city.  We were so excited about our excursion.  Three kids in the backseat of my friend’s car.  We endured lots of “are we there yets”  and answered lots of other questions about different car license plates and music.  When we finally arrived to this farm – early on Sunday morning we were told by the farm operators-” Sorry Madam, we are out of Apples”.  Well, you can imagine the look of surprise on our faces as our dreams of an idyllic autumn Sunday morning were deflated. 

We were not to be dissuaded.  Instead of taking no for an answer, we used our most persuasive negotiating skills to obtain permission to enter the orchards to have the kids take pictures.   The farm consented and we  allowed the children to run around the orchard, climb the trees, take pictures in the trees and search for nice looking apples on the ground.  The kids had a blast and it was great to see them run around outside and get fresh air by getting out of the city on Sunday.

My single mom friends have taught me so much.  Together, we were a team in planning a trip out of the city, packing snacks and lunches for the kids and turning what could have been a disappointing day into an adventure for our children.  I feel lucky to have a single mom network and grateful that together we, as a team, had a beautiful autumn Sunday afternoon with what some might call – “our not-so-traditional families.”

A Paradox: What DO Women want from Men?

15 Oct
40+216 Faces

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Elevator Man took me to a comedy club tonight.  Initially, I was dreading this date. I  thought – he’s really showing his age – this is so very 90’s and so touristy.  However, I believe that there was a reason I was to see this show with him: A) I learned that Elevator Man and I don’t have chemistry and B) I learned that I need to figure out what it is I want in a man. 

CHEMISTRY – If it’s not a “yes” than its a definite “no”

Elevator Man  thinks we do have chemistry. I think it’s because he’s a man and he wants to get into my bed – I guess that’s chemistry for him.  However, I don’t feel the chemistry – I don’t feel like I want to try him on in my bed.  He is attractive, smart and funny but I just don’t feel any chemistry – physical, emotional, or intellectual etc.  I have given it three dates – despite what my therapist recommends  (she wants me to give guys more dates to get to know them better) – I think by the third date I should be feeling like I want to kiss this guy, at the very least,  – and I don’t – I want to get home to my son.  My measurement of how much I like someone is how I’m feeling about getting back home to my son.  If I don’t realize the time – I’m into the guy; if I’m anxious to get home – I’m not into the guy.  I know this is not a scientific measurement but it never fails for me.   Thus, since I’m not thinking yes, I want to bring you back to my apartment but I’m following “THE RULES” – then it’s a no. 

Learning What I Want as  a Woman

Anyway, getting back to more imporant things regarding this date I learned something from  one of the comedians – he did a skit about how women are not clear about what they want.  I was hysterical.  I was hysterical because I related to his entire skit.  I am a paradox.

I want a man that is reliable, predictable, responsible and always there for me and at the same time I want that same man to be spontaneous and romantic.

I want a man that is dominant but not domineering.

I want a man that is a take control kind of guy but not controlling.

I want a man that is sexy, sensual, attractive social but faithful and loyal.

I want a man that is ambitious, successful and career oriented but has a lot of time for me and my son.

I want a man that is strong, manly and emotionally vulnerable and available.

I want a man that financially secure but is not materialistic.

I want a man that is funny but not a clown.

I want a man that is serious about me but not obsessive.

I want a man that is athletic but not obsessed with his appearance.

I want a man that is protective but not possessive.

The positions listed above do sound awfully in contradiction to each other.  I laughed throughout his whole routine because until I heard my thoughts spoken by someone else – I could’t help but laugh.  I can’t believe that I am one of those women who don’t know what she wants.  I’ve been through so much and I know I am ready to meet someone to learn about someone and let them in my life.  However, meeting a man that has all the things on the left balanced with all of the qualities on the right – might lead me nowhere.

Happily Married people are lucky!

 

Modern Dating – Should the Man Pay when the Woman Earns More?

13 Oct

The Dating Game
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I am going to say something that I’ve been struggling with  – I’m not sure I”m comfortable in a relationship where the man is not equally as successful as me financially.  There I said it – it is on cyberspace and forever part of  my online presence.  I have been asking myself the same question over and over again.  Can I be happy in a relationship where the man earns less money than me?  In the past, I thought I could – I married a man that did not earn as much as I.  In fact, he “asked for his money” from him employer so he can sit home and figure out ways to break his vows while I was at work.   I quickly learned shortly after our wedding that the precise reason he married me was because I would make “his life easier”.  He told me on a daily basis – all I was good for was to bring home a paycheck and make his life easier so he didn’t have to hustle.  This DB (aka douchebag) told me that I wasn’t good for anything else.  It was his daily mantra.  I almost believed him.  Then I had my son.  I realized that DB was just a lazy piece of shit and he didn’t deserve me.  I also realized I didn’t want my son to grow up and hear this disrespectful treatment of me or witness DB’s terrible work ethic.  He sued me during our divorce for things he had no right to including alimony of which I paid him in a lump sum, even after a mediator and the judge told him he had no rights to the alimony since he didn’t give up his job to take care of our son, that even though he was unemployed, our son was in day care full time.  I paid him the alimony to get out of the dysfunctional place that is called Family Court.  A place where an abuser can sue the abused for alimony.  I wanted to get out of that CRAZY TIME as quickly as possible.  He won,I lost and I didn’t care.  I wanted to be done with him.

And so, now I’m scarred.  I’m actually terrified that I will be taken advantage again in the same way.  Each time I meet a man that I think earns less money than me – I start to think that he may be a sociopath and wants only what I can offer him in a financial capacity.  That is where I am right now with respect to Mid-Western Boy.  I am starting to think he only likes me because he has seen where I lived, how I dressed and things about my life.  You see, Mid-Western Boy is a student.  He’s a 34 year old Medical Student.  While I enjoyed my three dates with Mid-Western Boy and I don’t really think about his income in any way while I’m with him – I do feel weird when he asks me to pony up on my portion of the bill for our date.  This has never really happened to me.  In all of my dating experiences, I’ve been paid for by the man, even when I was in college or law school when the man was a fellow student.  Heck, my Boy-Many almost always paid for me on a date.  I treated him too – for things – like massages, special congratulatory dinners – so I don’t mind paying but with being so new to dating I think it is strange that Mid-Western Boy hasn’t paid for me once.

I’m very much struggling with this.  I am an independent woman who can take care of herself and her son.  I am looking for a companion, a best friend, a man with integrity that can take care of me and my son in an emotional way.  Someone I admire and respect and know that person will be a good role model for my son.  It is too soon to tell if Mid-Western Boy is any of those things but the fact that he doesn’t offer to pay for me has raised a RED FLAG.  I’ve been conscious about where we go – we’ve gone for pizza, burgers and a glass of wine.  No real, romantic dinners.  I’ve had alot of fun on those dates with him but in the end I’m starting to feel that it is a little strange that he hasn’t offered to pay for our $20 in total dates.  It’s no loss to me to pay for my own pizza but I guess what I’m concerned about is whether or not this is a sign (a) that he is not interested in a real relationship with me, (b) is this a geographic cultural thing, (c) does he just want to be  my friend that keeps him company when he has a night off from school, or (d) is he a sociopath just like DB?

I’m wondering what the women and men think about this issue?  Am I just old-fashion in wanting to be treated and taken out by a man or is this an indication that the man is not interested in taking care of me?  What do you Think?

 

My Boyfriend is back . . .

12 Oct

My boyfriend, Running, is totally back in my life. We have been on a break since January and I’ve been through a lot of Therapy to help me get back together with Running.  We started to see each other again in June and we took it very slow.  We only spent a few minutes together twice a week.  However, I am happy to report that we seem to be on a more regular routine now.   Last week we ran 7 miles twice! I was elated and overjoyed for days.  I love the high I get when I spend an hour with my boyfriend, Running, I love the way I feel when I get back from a run and have to stretch out my body.  When I spend time with Running I love the the way my body looks and I feel confident and strong.  I feel empowered.  Spending time with Running not only makes me feel good physically but also emotionally.  I am better able to resolve difficult decisions after I Run.   I’m also able to clear my head and sleep better at night.  I’ve missed Running so much – at times I would cry and even whine about it to my family and friends.  Now that we are back together I feel complete again.

 

These last few days I loved spending time outdoors  in New York City with my boyfriend, Running.  I was able to enjoy Central Park’s hidden running trails, a New York City sunrise over the east river and Indian summer.  I feel totally satisfied now that Running and I are back together again. 

I did tell Running that although I want to spend everyday Running I can only limit our contact for now to 3 days a week.  learned from our separation that other things are also good for me – like total body conditioning classes and Yoga.  I think it is more important that Running and I look forward to spending time together instead of seeing our intimate Runs as a chore or a quickie before going to the office.  So, for now I will savor my three days a week that I spend with my boyfriend Running. I will look forward to our Dates, I will try not to schedule anything with anyone else during the scheduled Dates I have planned to spend with Running and I will remain in the moment.  I plan not to think about what milestones Running and I may hit this year or next year or even next month – I will remain in the moment with Running for now and see where my body and life takes us.

Two Dates in 24 Hours – The Efficient Single Mom

10 Oct

My son was with his dad this weekend and I scheduled a date with each of Elevator Man and Mid-Western Boy to utilize my free time efficiently.   I am viewing these dates as an interesting social experimentation  since I have never dated two men at one time.  These men are different from each other as Night is to Day.  I find it odd that I am attracted to both and enjoyed the company of both men.  I found both of my dates with them to be “nice.” 

I guess that’s my issue – I assumed one of them would sort of naturally inch out ahead of the other when I had an opportunity to see both of them in less than 24 hours.  In the end,  I felt neither of them swept me off my feet at any point.  I’m wondering if it is because I already see the demise of a relationship with either of them before I even allow one to develop?  Is this my baggage talking or is it my gut instinct?  I think I have a pretty strong instinct now that all that crap that my ex-husband did to me to bury my instinct (and lots of other things about my essence) throughout our relationship, has cleared out of my inner life.  If one of these men were the right one for me – wouldn’t I feel swept off my feet and would want to see one over the other?  One of my biggest issues with both of them is that when I kiss either of them I don’t have the same powerful, physical chemical reaction that I had when Boy-Man kissed me.  When Boy-Man kissed me or even touched my arm or held my hand – it was like some type of chemical reaction was released within my body.  Now when I reflect on that chemical reaction (i.e. fireworks), I wonder if my mind created those fireworks because I romanticized Boy-Man and elevated our physical connection – or was our connection real?

These are the questions I have about dating.  How do you know when it is the right person for you?  All the happily married people  say – “you just know”.   I don’t know how much I believe them.  I married my ex-husband and I didn’t “know that he was the right person for me.”  I did it – for a lot of different reasons – all of which took years of therapy to discover.  

What I do know is the following:  Elevator Man is very much a person who has similar interests to me.  I thought Boy-Man was the only man in the world that loved books and reading as much as I do, dressed-well and enjoyed art and museums.  I was wrong – Elevator Man does too – in a more refined way than my Boy-Man.  In addition, Elevator Man wants to be in an intimate, exclusive relationship (well he says that, but we haven’t had sex yet, so I know from my experience, that sex changes everything about what a man decides what he wants from a woman), something he has expressed several times to me.  Finally, Elevator Man actively CALLS me , like on the old-fashion telephone – just to say hi and keep connected during the week when we don’t see each other.  I admire this quality the most – I thought using the actual phone and hearing someone’s voice was pretty archaic in the dating world – but it isn’t to Elevator Man and I’m happy about that.

I haven’t learned much from Mid-Western Boy yet.  He seems pretty guarded.  I do have fun with him. He is pretty funny.   I do think Mid-Western Boy realizes that we are very different from each other – he was quite uncomfortable when he arrived at my building yesterday afternoon and realized that he had to ask the concierge for permission to enter.  I had warned him as I had a feeling he did not have much exposure to NYC apartment buildings but when he arrived he became all flustered in the lobby and called me and asked me what he should do.  I told him to come right up but my diligent doorman stopped him anyway and called me to ask for permission to let him up.  He also told me he thought I was very interesting and then when I asked him to elaborate – he became all  quiet – strange for him as he is extremely chatty.   He does kiss me in a very nice, passionate way.  We walked the city holding hands – which he actually insisted upon as I had my hands in my pocket – he reached for it and pulled it next to him.  It was sweet.  He didn’t try to come up to my apartment after our date – which I respected.  Unlike Elevator Man – who was attempting to use his most charming negotiating skills to come up and continue our our date into Sunday morning from Saturday Night.

I don’t know what I want from either of Elevator Man or Mid-Western Boy but I do know that I’ve already learned a couple of things about dating through them and I am having fun — that’s what I set out to do.  So I will keep seeing both of them until I’m not learning or having fun anymore.

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