Modern Dating – Should the Man Pay when the Woman Earns More?

13 Oct

The Dating Game
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I am going to say something that I’ve been struggling with  – I’m not sure I”m comfortable in a relationship where the man is not equally as successful as me financially.  There I said it – it is on cyberspace and forever part of  my online presence.  I have been asking myself the same question over and over again.  Can I be happy in a relationship where the man earns less money than me?  In the past, I thought I could – I married a man that did not earn as much as I.  In fact, he “asked for his money” from him employer so he can sit home and figure out ways to break his vows while I was at work.   I quickly learned shortly after our wedding that the precise reason he married me was because I would make “his life easier”.  He told me on a daily basis – all I was good for was to bring home a paycheck and make his life easier so he didn’t have to hustle.  This DB (aka douchebag) told me that I wasn’t good for anything else.  It was his daily mantra.  I almost believed him.  Then I had my son.  I realized that DB was just a lazy piece of shit and he didn’t deserve me.  I also realized I didn’t want my son to grow up and hear this disrespectful treatment of me or witness DB’s terrible work ethic.  He sued me during our divorce for things he had no right to including alimony of which I paid him in a lump sum, even after a mediator and the judge told him he had no rights to the alimony since he didn’t give up his job to take care of our son, that even though he was unemployed, our son was in day care full time.  I paid him the alimony to get out of the dysfunctional place that is called Family Court.  A place where an abuser can sue the abused for alimony.  I wanted to get out of that CRAZY TIME as quickly as possible.  He won,I lost and I didn’t care.  I wanted to be done with him.

And so, now I’m scarred.  I’m actually terrified that I will be taken advantage again in the same way.  Each time I meet a man that I think earns less money than me – I start to think that he may be a sociopath and wants only what I can offer him in a financial capacity.  That is where I am right now with respect to Mid-Western Boy.  I am starting to think he only likes me because he has seen where I lived, how I dressed and things about my life.  You see, Mid-Western Boy is a student.  He’s a 34 year old Medical Student.  While I enjoyed my three dates with Mid-Western Boy and I don’t really think about his income in any way while I’m with him – I do feel weird when he asks me to pony up on my portion of the bill for our date.  This has never really happened to me.  In all of my dating experiences, I’ve been paid for by the man, even when I was in college or law school when the man was a fellow student.  Heck, my Boy-Many almost always paid for me on a date.  I treated him too – for things – like massages, special congratulatory dinners – so I don’t mind paying but with being so new to dating I think it is strange that Mid-Western Boy hasn’t paid for me once.

I’m very much struggling with this.  I am an independent woman who can take care of herself and her son.  I am looking for a companion, a best friend, a man with integrity that can take care of me and my son in an emotional way.  Someone I admire and respect and know that person will be a good role model for my son.  It is too soon to tell if Mid-Western Boy is any of those things but the fact that he doesn’t offer to pay for me has raised a RED FLAG.  I’ve been conscious about where we go – we’ve gone for pizza, burgers and a glass of wine.  No real, romantic dinners.  I’ve had alot of fun on those dates with him but in the end I’m starting to feel that it is a little strange that he hasn’t offered to pay for our $20 in total dates.  It’s no loss to me to pay for my own pizza but I guess what I’m concerned about is whether or not this is a sign (a) that he is not interested in a real relationship with me, (b) is this a geographic cultural thing, (c) does he just want to be  my friend that keeps him company when he has a night off from school, or (d) is he a sociopath just like DB?

I’m wondering what the women and men think about this issue?  Am I just old-fashion in wanting to be treated and taken out by a man or is this an indication that the man is not interested in taking care of me?  What do you Think?

 

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3 Responses to “Modern Dating – Should the Man Pay when the Woman Earns More?”

  1. susan October 13, 2011 at 11:31 am #

    A man who doesn’t attempt to pay for a $20 meal for a woman he is “courting” is looking for a friend. He’s not looking to take care of you. Get out before you absorb $300,000 in loans if he doesn’t pay on the next date!

    • CityMama October 15, 2011 at 3:00 am #

      Dating is confusing because I actually am looking forward to seeing the Med student aka Midwestern boy. I’ve got a date scheduled with him tomorrow night. . . we shall see how I feel after this one last date – Date #4.

  2. Maria October 13, 2011 at 3:17 pm #

    He’s a Med Student!! I think he’s preoccupied with his daily studies and his eventual future. We know Med Students are usually just scraping by, but we’re not talking about an evening of fine dining…it’s a slice of pizza!! If he hasn’t ponied up at least once for you, I don’t think he’s going to and he is getting used to it. If it is perhaps a mid-western cultural thing, you do not need to be his teacher on the “New York way to date a woman”. Glad you’ve had fun, but you tried him on and he’s not the best fit…move on.

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