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My Life has Gone Viral

30 Nov

 I haven’t written much about Mid-Western Boy and our relationship because I am really beginning to care for him and I don’t want to divulge too much about him or us on the worldwide web.  I’m quite interested in getting to really know him and I’m learning how sweet I think he really is.  So, this will be my last post about him and our relationship for sometime. 

I invited Mid-Western Boy to my family’s Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving.  I wasn’t sure what to expect since there was going to be a very long table and a lot of action.  He seemed to take it all in stride and remained comfortable.  I told many of my friends that this Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving can go really well or really bad.  I guess it went really well. Earlier this week Mid-Western Boy asked me to confirm our relationship for all 200+ of our friends on Facebook.  I never really thought of myself as announcing my relationship on Facebook – but here I am doing just that.  And it felt nice.  Like he was proud of me and wanted people to see me.  I think he did it in response to a discussion we had which made me feel really vulnerable (I revealed some information about DB and his not so nice treatment of me).  After revealing this information, I thought maybe Mid-Western Boy would want to run for cover thinking I came with so much baggage.  Instead, he comforted me by asking me to be his girlfriend – in a sweet but very modern way.   I met Mid-Western Boy using an online dating site, he asked me to be his girlfriend via Facebook and we have been texting with each other everyday to stay in touch when we don’t see each other.  It seems that maybe technology isnt’ so bad after all – it allowed me to meet someone special and learn about him at the same time. 

I am excited about this new beginning for me and anxious all at the same time.

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The Thanksgiving Five: Family, Friends, Fun, Food and Football + Thankful for Opportunities

24 Nov

Today is my favorite day of the entire year!  It is a holiday that requires us to share my favorite thing in the whole world – food – and to be with the people we love most watching football! It doesn’t require buying any presents and trying to figure out if someone is going to like something  – all it requires is for us  to spend time with family doing my favorite thing – eating – and taking a moment to be thankful for all the wonderful things in life.  It is the most special of all of the holidays on our calendar because we get two days off from school and work!  No  other holiday has this type of street credit!

I am truly thankful for so many things in my life.  My journey began three years ago today when DB decided to stay out all night long and come home in a drunken/drugged stupor while I prepared a Thanksgiving feast for his family.  As a result, I canceled Thanksgiving dinner and went to my family’s home.  That day was a gift, although I didn’t know it at the time, a gift for a new life.

I have come so far since that day.  Thanksgiving  is a day that will always have so much meaning to me not only because it is the food event of the year but also because it was the first day I became alive after so many years of being emotionally numb at the hands of DB.  I will never forget that day and I will be ever grateful for the support of my family that I received when I showed up crying at their home at 11:00am with my infant son.

That day was a gift, an answer to my prayers.  That day gave me opportunity to make a choice.  A choice to leave an old life for a new life.   And as I reflect on that new life I have been living, I know that  I may not have had that opportunity to do all of it on my own if it wasn’t for  the most courageous people I know – my grandparents.  My grandparents brought their families to the United States seeking opportunity for a better life, a new life.  They left the only home they knew (their small towns) with their large families in tow and only a few personal belongings with a hope and a dream that they will find opportunity in the United States.  I am living proof of that dream of opportunity.  Like the original pilgrims my grandparents came to the United States seeking opportunity and on Thanksgiving day more than 40 years later I too sought a new opportunity for a better life that only the United States could provide a soon to be single mother – a mother with a dream.

 I have been granted opportunities that I am forever grateful for – namely my higher education and my profession.  I am thankful everyday for those opportunities because they allow me to pave the way for my son to have opportunities, I hope, that my grandparents may never have dreamed of the day they began their pilgrimage to the New World filled with hope.

Today I reflect on their pilgrimage and their hope and I am thankful for their dreams which in turn turned into opportunities and a life filled with hope, happiness and love for my son and I.

Learning to be Comfortable in the Uncertainty

12 Nov
Deepak Chopra in November 2006, speaking at Yahoo.

Image via Wikipedia

I have been trying so hard to work on my “power of now.”  However, I realized yesterday that I fell out of it.  It is so hard.  I have to start over, freshen up my mind and begin anew.  I have been dating Mid-Western Boy for several weeks now and I’m starting to get a little attached.  Of course, that leads to what will we do next week, next month, the holidays, why hasn’t he sent me two texts today, etc.

I’m a firm believer that relationships develop naturally – I felt like we were developing into something naturally, a missed good morning text yesterday – sent me on a rollercoaster ride during the day – which reminded me that I am not in the NOW. 

So, today, I need to figure out how to get me in the Now.  I don’t know what will happen with Mid-Western Boy.  Tonight may be the last night I see him or I might continue to date him for a few more weeks or a few more months. I just don’t know.  I need to remind myself that I have to remain in the NOW.  What will happen next week, next month or even tomorrow is not something I can control, I have to let destiny handle it and enjoy the ride.

When I was in the NOW, it was so much easier for me because I wasn’t anxious.  It is troubling me that I have become anxious about the whole communicating and seeing Mid-Western Boy.  I think much of the anxiety is that I have to plan around time with my son.  DB is so inconsistent with respect to when he sees my son.  He has already told me he is not taking him next Friday (my one weekend off this month) because he has something “to do.”   This of course, stresses me out because Mid-Western Boy is a medical student and doesn’t have much control over his schedule – so we have to make the time to see each other and I don’t like when routine or rhythm changes – it makes me unsettled.  I’m also concerned that he might think dating me is a lot of work because our schedules don’t conflict.  I have to remind myself that the right person in my life will understand my limited schedule and would want to continue to see me despite of it.

Deepak Chopra has said that we need to be comfortable in the uncertainty.  It is from the uncertainty that we can grow.  I am planning on downloading some Deepak meditations later today to help me get back on the path of the NOW and comfortable with the uncertainty of a nascent relationship.  

 Are all of these questions a result of my baggage from my unhealthy relationship with DB or is it normal?  If it is normal, I don’t want to be normal, I want to be in a relationship that there are no questions about where I stand, a relationship where I feel emotionally safe.

The Greatest Love of All

7 Nov

I’ve been falling in love with my son more and more everyday.  As he is developing into his own person with his own beautiful personality and I watch and guide him as he grows – I find myself head over heels in love.    I want to burn each moment  in my head forever, I want to never forget the sound of his voice, his little hands that are looking for independence and  his big brown expressive eyes that communicate so much to me. 

Falling in love with my son has taught me that I have never been in love before.  Not love like this anyway.  This love for my son is so great that when I think about how much I love him – tears roll down my face.  It really is the “greatest love of all.” 

Falling in love with my son is the greatest gift my son has given me – the knowledge to know that I can love.  I thought I didn’t have the ability to love someone deeply until the day my son was born.  I knew I loved him from the first moment I saw him and heard his cry.  Now I can’t stop loving him – even if he is thrashing his body on the floor because of some minor disagreement – I find that I can’t help but pick him up (thrashing and everything) to see what is really bothering him.  The temper tantrum is just a communication of something deeper.  Usually I am right.

He came home after a long weekend with his dad and he was very difficult.  Last night, he was throwing things and really had a temper.  He refused to take a bath, clean up the mess he created and kept telling me he was “really angry with me.”  After a few minutes of observing him, I picked him up and kissed the tears out of his eyes and asked him if he wanted to read some books and cuddle.  He stopped crying immediately.  He quickly fell asleep in his bed after reading the stories he chose in my arms.  He was cuddled up really close to me.  I knew he really missed me and our routine. 

I knew that there was something wrong – the temper tantrum was just a communication to me from him because he couldn’t articulate what he wanted.  In the past I would have gotten annoyed with DB and frustrated with my son – but I believe as I gain experience as a parent and get to know my son better as an individual, I have been able to take a step back to try to see beyond the physical temper tantrum.  Also, accessing and feeling that deep great love for him – has made me have patience I never thought I would be able to access.

A long weekend off doesn’t hurt either for providing clarity and patience with your four year old.

Asking the Universe Again

21 Oct
Love Book - The Top 50 Most Trusted Experts Re...

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I believe that if you ask for something, you keep putting it out there and you really want something – your prayers will be answered by the divine.  I’ve put many requests out there that I really wanted and each prayer was answered.  I’ve been dating a little bit lately and dating has me thinking –  what is it that I want in a man?  I have a “list” and my “list” according to many friends is long.   The universe pretty much delivered a man to me that was in response to my list but what I realized by dating the guy that fits the “list” is that a deep relationship is not only about someone meeting this “list” of items that I want in a person but also it really is about how I feel when I’m with this person.  Today, I am going to begin by focusing not on my “list” but instead about how I feel and my son feels when we are with this special person.

This week I told Elevator Man that I had to end our short dating experience.  I knew that I felt no chemistry with him from that first kiss but even more so I knew that he couldn’t offer me what I wanted in a relationship.  He told me  on the first date that he didn’t want anymore children and he was looking to have fun.  I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to have another child but I do know that I never had my chance at a family life.  I certainly want to have fun but I want more than just having fun – –  I want a deep relationship.

I am searching for a  man with integrity with good, strong character who makes me feel emotionally safe and always loved.  When I am with this special man I know that I can relax and rely on him to take care of me and my son.  This man will be a good role model for my son to admire and respect as he grows into a man.  This special man will be my partner in life – in every sense of the word.  He will  join me and my son in our journey and truly be part of our lives.  He will love me and will love my son.  My son will laugh with him and feel comfortable in every way a child should feel comfortable with a father.  I will always feel confident and beautiful with this man.  We will laugh alot together and be content with each other’s company.  We will be able to discuss difficult subject matters and resolve them and move forward together.   We will have amazing physical chemistry, emotional chemistry and intellectual chemistry.  We will feel connected on all levels.  He will believe in true love and so will I. My son will never feel like this man was never part of our lives and neither will I.  We will be a family.

Well, there it is – I am putting it out there how I believe I should feel in a deep relationship with a special man who I believe is looking for me as I write this note.   I know the universe will answer and it will be when I’m ready to recieve this special person in my life.

A Paradox: What DO Women want from Men?

15 Oct
40+216 Faces

Image by bark via Flickr

Elevator Man took me to a comedy club tonight.  Initially, I was dreading this date. I  thought – he’s really showing his age – this is so very 90’s and so touristy.  However, I believe that there was a reason I was to see this show with him: A) I learned that Elevator Man and I don’t have chemistry and B) I learned that I need to figure out what it is I want in a man. 

CHEMISTRY – If it’s not a “yes” than its a definite “no”

Elevator Man  thinks we do have chemistry. I think it’s because he’s a man and he wants to get into my bed – I guess that’s chemistry for him.  However, I don’t feel the chemistry – I don’t feel like I want to try him on in my bed.  He is attractive, smart and funny but I just don’t feel any chemistry – physical, emotional, or intellectual etc.  I have given it three dates – despite what my therapist recommends  (she wants me to give guys more dates to get to know them better) – I think by the third date I should be feeling like I want to kiss this guy, at the very least,  – and I don’t – I want to get home to my son.  My measurement of how much I like someone is how I’m feeling about getting back home to my son.  If I don’t realize the time – I’m into the guy; if I’m anxious to get home – I’m not into the guy.  I know this is not a scientific measurement but it never fails for me.   Thus, since I’m not thinking yes, I want to bring you back to my apartment but I’m following “THE RULES” – then it’s a no. 

Learning What I Want as  a Woman

Anyway, getting back to more imporant things regarding this date I learned something from  one of the comedians – he did a skit about how women are not clear about what they want.  I was hysterical.  I was hysterical because I related to his entire skit.  I am a paradox.

I want a man that is reliable, predictable, responsible and always there for me and at the same time I want that same man to be spontaneous and romantic.

I want a man that is dominant but not domineering.

I want a man that is a take control kind of guy but not controlling.

I want a man that is sexy, sensual, attractive social but faithful and loyal.

I want a man that is ambitious, successful and career oriented but has a lot of time for me and my son.

I want a man that is strong, manly and emotionally vulnerable and available.

I want a man that financially secure but is not materialistic.

I want a man that is funny but not a clown.

I want a man that is serious about me but not obsessive.

I want a man that is athletic but not obsessed with his appearance.

I want a man that is protective but not possessive.

The positions listed above do sound awfully in contradiction to each other.  I laughed throughout his whole routine because until I heard my thoughts spoken by someone else – I could’t help but laugh.  I can’t believe that I am one of those women who don’t know what she wants.  I’ve been through so much and I know I am ready to meet someone to learn about someone and let them in my life.  However, meeting a man that has all the things on the left balanced with all of the qualities on the right – might lead me nowhere.

Happily Married people are lucky!

 

Modern Dating – Should the Man Pay when the Woman Earns More?

13 Oct

The Dating Game
Image via Wikipedia

I am going to say something that I’ve been struggling with  – I’m not sure I”m comfortable in a relationship where the man is not equally as successful as me financially.  There I said it – it is on cyberspace and forever part of  my online presence.  I have been asking myself the same question over and over again.  Can I be happy in a relationship where the man earns less money than me?  In the past, I thought I could – I married a man that did not earn as much as I.  In fact, he “asked for his money” from him employer so he can sit home and figure out ways to break his vows while I was at work.   I quickly learned shortly after our wedding that the precise reason he married me was because I would make “his life easier”.  He told me on a daily basis – all I was good for was to bring home a paycheck and make his life easier so he didn’t have to hustle.  This DB (aka douchebag) told me that I wasn’t good for anything else.  It was his daily mantra.  I almost believed him.  Then I had my son.  I realized that DB was just a lazy piece of shit and he didn’t deserve me.  I also realized I didn’t want my son to grow up and hear this disrespectful treatment of me or witness DB’s terrible work ethic.  He sued me during our divorce for things he had no right to including alimony of which I paid him in a lump sum, even after a mediator and the judge told him he had no rights to the alimony since he didn’t give up his job to take care of our son, that even though he was unemployed, our son was in day care full time.  I paid him the alimony to get out of the dysfunctional place that is called Family Court.  A place where an abuser can sue the abused for alimony.  I wanted to get out of that CRAZY TIME as quickly as possible.  He won,I lost and I didn’t care.  I wanted to be done with him.

And so, now I’m scarred.  I’m actually terrified that I will be taken advantage again in the same way.  Each time I meet a man that I think earns less money than me – I start to think that he may be a sociopath and wants only what I can offer him in a financial capacity.  That is where I am right now with respect to Mid-Western Boy.  I am starting to think he only likes me because he has seen where I lived, how I dressed and things about my life.  You see, Mid-Western Boy is a student.  He’s a 34 year old Medical Student.  While I enjoyed my three dates with Mid-Western Boy and I don’t really think about his income in any way while I’m with him – I do feel weird when he asks me to pony up on my portion of the bill for our date.  This has never really happened to me.  In all of my dating experiences, I’ve been paid for by the man, even when I was in college or law school when the man was a fellow student.  Heck, my Boy-Many almost always paid for me on a date.  I treated him too – for things – like massages, special congratulatory dinners – so I don’t mind paying but with being so new to dating I think it is strange that Mid-Western Boy hasn’t paid for me once.

I’m very much struggling with this.  I am an independent woman who can take care of herself and her son.  I am looking for a companion, a best friend, a man with integrity that can take care of me and my son in an emotional way.  Someone I admire and respect and know that person will be a good role model for my son.  It is too soon to tell if Mid-Western Boy is any of those things but the fact that he doesn’t offer to pay for me has raised a RED FLAG.  I’ve been conscious about where we go – we’ve gone for pizza, burgers and a glass of wine.  No real, romantic dinners.  I’ve had alot of fun on those dates with him but in the end I’m starting to feel that it is a little strange that he hasn’t offered to pay for our $20 in total dates.  It’s no loss to me to pay for my own pizza but I guess what I’m concerned about is whether or not this is a sign (a) that he is not interested in a real relationship with me, (b) is this a geographic cultural thing, (c) does he just want to be  my friend that keeps him company when he has a night off from school, or (d) is he a sociopath just like DB?

I’m wondering what the women and men think about this issue?  Am I just old-fashion in wanting to be treated and taken out by a man or is this an indication that the man is not interested in taking care of me?  What do you Think?

 

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