A New Year

I survived the race to the end of the year.  It was a very busy month for me at the office and at home.  I didn’t have much time for creative writing or even getting my thoughts together clearly because I was consumed by work, parenting and my new relationship.  I forgot how consuming a relationship can be – and I don’t mind it at all. 

In addition, it was the first holiday season where I was happy in a long, long time.  I believe part of my happiness was that I had set my intention on becoming happy as my 2011 goal – my goal was to be fulfilled in mind, body, and soul.  I felt like I was achieving the goal by around September/October of 2011.  I was running again, I started to explore my spiritual side and I was finally feeling content with my life.  At some point in the fall almost at the exact time all of these things were coming together I met Mid-Western Boy.  As a result, I know I must attribute my happiness during this holiday season to him as well.  The final – most wondering reason I was happy this holiday season  was that I had my son for the holidays this year and I was able to enjoy spending time with him .  

I love that 2011 began with the setting of my intention to be fulfilled in mind, body and soul and that I actually achieved that by the conclusion of the year.  It was the first time in my life that I set an intention for the year and actually worked on it all year. 

What I am proudest of is that I have finally found some sort of spirituality.  I’ve become a person who trusts in the universe, a person who believes in synchronicity.  A person who looks at the choices life presents and does not judge them but follows what she thinks must be some divine plan for her.  A person who tries to look at life and life’s events in a more positive way.  This positive outlook and trust in a divine plan has made life a bit easier.

Now as I look towards 2012, I am focusing on setting my intention on how I plan to further grow as a person.   My intention is  to  improve upon the growth in my spirituality and to continue to increase my faith in a divine plan.  It is also my intention to focus on continuing to develop my relationship with Mid-Western Boy and to ensure that it remains a healthy relationship where I continue to have my emotional needs met (and of course, hopefully provide him the same). 

I’m excited for this new year and of course the focus on these new beginnings, I will trust in my faith in the universe that wherever life takes me over the course of the next 12 months it is ensure that I evolve into the best me possible.

Running Away From Home

 

My four

 

year old son told me he was running away from home yesterday because I was always yelling at him.  He told me he was going to go live with his daddy. I decided to call my precocious four year old’s bluff but he didn’t even blink an eye.  I told him if he wanted to go live with his daddy he can leave right now!  I opened up the door to our apartment.  He looked at me like he thought this opportunity was too good to be true.  So he ran to his room, grabbed a car and gave it to me.  He told me that this car was something to remember him by and  ran right out of the apartment, called the elevator and jumped in.  He actually left the floor and went down to the lobby.

I, of course, ran after him using the stairs.  When I got to the lobby I heard him telling the Doorman On Duty that he was running away to live with his Daddy in Brooklyn.  The doorman told him that he couldn’t leave the building without shoes on so he told him he was going to wait in the lobby for his dad.  I asked him to come home and he told me “it was so much fun running away from home!” 

It hurt my feelings that he wanted to go live with his Daddy but in all honesty, all I do is keep disciplining him.  He doesn’t seem to listen anymore.  He told me that he doesn’t want to be naughty but he can’t help it. “His ears are frozen” and when the summer comes they will melt and he will be able to use his listening ears better! 

My son and I have reached an impasse. I am tired of repeating myself to clean up toys, get dressed, take a bath, put on pajamas and go to bed and he is tired of hearing it. 

I think we both need a break from each other.  It’s impossible for me to get a break.  DB doesn’t work but only elects to visit with my son for two saturday overnight visits in a month.  While is it better in the long run for my son to spend more time with me, it does mean that he is ALMOST ALWAYS with me.  I am so feeling like I need a break.  I, too, want to run away from home.

I’ve never regretted my divorce and my life experience.  However, lately, I’ve been stuck somewhere in my feelings thinking I wish I can do it all over again.  I would have such a better life now.  I could still be living in my really cheap apartment and I could have time for myself, time to do things like, blow dry my hair, shop in a store instead of online, get a manicure and pedicure, walk around my apartment naked, read books at the end of the day without being interrupted, go to a real gym instead of doing workouts on DVD, run more and maybe even train for a long distance race again, not be responsible all of the time.  I’ve been fantasizing and fantasizing a lot about these things and I feel guilty about it. 

Is there anything a single mom can do to snap out of this negative place, this fantasy world? How can I  stop the regrets ?  I’m usually so positive but between working hard toward end of the year deadlines, christmas shopping and being a full time, present mom, attemtping to raise a perfectly well adjusted child.

 

Tonight, at least, I too wanted to run away from home too.  I wanted to be bymyself at least one night when I get home from work so I don’t have to be the person to do everything.   Maybe I should just take an adult vacation – maybe that would help ease this tensition in our home.

Negotiating with an Emotional Terrorist

Image via Wikipedia

My office has been quite busy for the last few weeks and I have been totally exhausted in the evenings – unable to think a single creative thought.  In addition, to the end of the year hustle and bustle in and outside of the office I have been dealing with DB and his emotional terrorism.  He, as you know, was quite abusive to me in everyway – physically, mentally and emotionally. 

My family and I called him a terrorist during my divorce proceedings because we felt like I was being held hostage to his unreasonable demands for alimony and other financial rewards as a result of our marriage.  We agreed with Israel’s position that we can’t negotiate with terrorists (well until the very recent exchange for 1000 palestinians – but’s that another dicussion for another day).

DB is now trying to unsuccessfly manipulate the holiday schedule in our Separation Agreement with respect to my son.  He is sending me emails, calling me, texting me and incessantly insisting that he has my son on days that he clearly does not have my son.  Our Agreement is clear that holidays supersede regular parenting visits.

Last year, at this time, I probably would have given up.  However, I’m ready for the fight with him.  I am by nature a person who likes to negotiate and compromise.  I’m typically a people pleaser who wants everyone to be happy.  At times, I sense a compromise coming on me but I have decided not to take that route this time. 

There will be no compromises, especially since he is again trying to insert his will to control me, my son and my schedule.  I will not negotiate with this emotional terrorist regarding the parenting schedule.   I will not allow him to keep taking advantage of my good nature.    I keep telling him there is nothing further to discuss with him.

I know him and I know him well.  He will not be able to walk away from this fight until he scars me again – emotionally or in some other way.  However, I am no longer afraid of him.  I have come along way since the days of doubting myself.  No, I know I’m right and I know that I’m acting in the best interests of my child – which is the most important details that is suometimes left out in a heated discussion with an emotional terrorist who has no remorse for his actions.

I’m wondering how other single moms deal with the complext issues that are a result of this no so untraditional life.

Would you like Some Cheese with that Whine?

I don’t usually rant about being a single mother.  I know I have a great situation with a great kid.  I like being able to make decisions for the both of us with little involvement by his father.  However, lately, I’m feeling like my son is exhausting me and I wish I had someone else to help, to intervene.   I don’t know if it is him being a normal developing four year old or if I’m just literally exhausted from doing this on my own for his entire life.

ISSUE #1.  He has begun whining – a lot.  It is driving me crazy.  I don’t know how to deal with the whine.  He whines about anything of whiche he doesn’t get his way- his result.  He wants water when we are walking home from school, he wants to watch television while we are eating dinner, he wants to play with puzzles when it is time to go to bed.  He has never whined before and now it is incessant.  I give in. I think every parenting book probably says don’t give into this behavior but at the end of a long work day, I just don’t want to hear it!  I am not a saint.  I am exhausted too!  I sometimes feel like I had somebody to whine to after a long day.

 At the end of the day, I need quiet time to decompress.  This time of year, I need that quiet time even more than ever because of how busy I am at the office with end of the year projects.  In addition to the end of the year projects, we have Christmas and holiday stuff to prepare for – so when I’m not thinking about work, I’m thinking about Christmas presents and how I’m going to fit it all in (although most of my shopping is completed online).

ISSUE $2. He doesn’t listen.  I need to repeat myself several times for him to do something. Pick up your toys from the floor, put your coat on, we are leaving for school.  He deliberately ignores me and has already developed selective hearing.  I have bcome a nag to my four year old son and I can’t take hearing myself.  I just wonder if other parents have this same issue with their children?  I feel so alone in it and I don’t share much about it to anyone. 

ISSUE #3. Beating himself up or Manipulation? The other thing that is driving me nuts is that when I do lose my temper or raise my voice to discipline him, he throws a total crying fit.  His words are hurtful.  He says to me – “you don’ t love me mommy”, “you are not proude of me”, “I think I’m a bad guy” and “Someone should kill me I’m so destructive.”  Upon hearing this language, I immediately run to him and start holding him and kissing him telling him that Mommy loves him very much and thinks he is a good boy but just would like for him to listen to me better and control himself.  I kiss him and hold him and wait for him to stop crying.  I even start to tear up when he articulates these thoughts outloud.  I just wonder if he is trying to manipulate me and distract me from his behavior that I am trying to correct?

Last night I just wished I had someone else to tell him to listen to me.  I wish I had someone in the house to defend me – to help me – to be the bad guy for once.  I feel like I’m always the bad guy because I am the only one that disciplines him on a regular basis. He even told me I’m a bad guy because I yell at him!

What other choice do we have as a single mom?  I guess we just have to hope and pray that our kids turn out alright and they look back on their life and think about how lucky they were to have a mom  that sacrificed so much to give him the best possible life she could.

I think that’s a long time to wait for a return on this investment.  So, instead, last night I did what any frazzled mom would do, I turned on the television, went into the bathroom, lit a candle and took a warm bath by myself while he was occupied with Go, Diego, Go.  I did feel a bit better before our bedtime story.

Rose Colored Glasses When it Comes to New York City?

I had an interesting conversation this weekend about that special character that plays a huge part in the background of my life – New York City.  But before I get to that conversation, I want to tell you a little bit about my love for Manhattan.  I am a born and raised New Yorker.  I grew up in Brooklyn and I have always been fascinated with the energy of Manhattan.  As a child, I recall the grafitti covered trains that ran from my Brooklyn neighborhood into Manhattan.  I recall going to see my dad at his Tribeca office and the artists sketching and painting in the cobblestone streets of Tribeca. I recall learning about the streetwalkers on the westside highway looking for a John.   As a teenager, I remember walking in the West Village and the East Village and marveling at the shops selling bongs and other drug related  paraphenalia along St. Marks Place.  I remember the first time I drove over the Brooklhyn Bridge – the inspiration I felt as my car entered the streets of Manhattan and I had NO idea what I was doing in my parents HUGE 1970’s car.  I just wanted to feel the energy of New York City run through  my veins.

As I grew, so did New York City.  It became gentrified, it became home to fancier and fancier restaurants.  As  I grew I was fortunate enough to have a career that exposed me to that part of the social scene in New York City.  Notwithstanding this exposure, I also have been keenly aware that this slice of Manhattan society is just that – a small slice.  New York is home to poverty – 1 in 2 students attending the New York City public schools  are living below the poverty line.  I dedicate much of my free time to organizations that offer services to the residents of New York City who are struggling everyday in this tough economy and this expensive, overpriced city.  I believe these organizations can and do make a difference to the lives of my fellow New Yorkers.

New York is indeed an expensive and tough place to live  – the small island of Manhattan has become an even more difficult place to live in more recent years as it becomes more gentrified.   But it is still New York and I believe this is a place where dreams are made.  No, life in New York City ain’t going to be Mayberry everyday – it’s going to be tough and it might even be rough.  But that’s what makes it even more special once you start to feel a part of that  energy of the city – while you try to fight your way through the crowds and compete with the greatest competitors you might ever find in your field.  I believe it is the satisfcation that you know you gave your dream a shot – a shot at doing the best you can in a city that welcomes you with the Statute of Liberty in her harbor – a place where people from all over the world are welcome and come to seek their dreams. 

New York City is really not about people like me – the people who live in New York City and call it home.   People like me keep the city stable and constant.   New York City is about the people who come to New York with their dreams – they are the ones who give the energy to the city.   It is these people that make Manhattan one of the most special places in the world and maybe the only city in the world to represent the diversity of the human culture on the planet.

Yes, I’m not naive, it’s a tough place to live.  Yes, a penthouse on Park Avenue and shopping on Madison Avenue may always be inaccessible to you – but knowing that you have come to New York and have experienced the energy and melting pot of people in this great city should be at the very least appreciated, don’t you think?   I think these dreamers who come to New York to make their dreams come true should give a gentlemanly nod to Lady New York and say thank you for giving me a shot to try to make it in this fiercely competitive city – I did my best but my competitor beat me. 

I was told this weekend that New York City is all hype.  This person argued that there’s nothing special about it – you can get the same things in smaller cities across the country for cheaper.  Yes, maybe you can get the same beer in a small city out west for half the price – but are you going to be able to have the same conversation at the bar with the bartender and your fellow patrons.  I’m not so sure – because what New York is about is the people who and New Yorkers born and bred and the ones who adopt this city as home – are not like any other people I have met – New Yorkers (born and raised and adopt this city as their home) are the most passionate of people.

Yes, I was insulted by this insult toLady  New York.  I took it personally.  I know I probably shouldn’t have but New York runs in my blood.  And so, I vehemently disagreed.  I think one is closed minded if they think New York is all hype – there is no island in the world that acts as a commercial center and at the same time filled with art and hundres of different foods and languages.  I challenge you to find one other city that delivers what New York City can deliver in culture and passion.

 I don’t have rose colored glasses – it is my hometown and I do love it and I love the people and my daily experiences; notwithstanding that, I know New York City is  a tough city but it is not hype – New York is exactly who she presents to people – there is nothing hidden – New York is a place filled with dreams – dreams that can be achieved so long as you are ready for the competition and hard work.  I know this because I worked hard to achieve success and I need to believe it for my friends and for all the beautiful residents of this city who make this place their home – they live in the city, have their own dreams – not matter how small or how big – and are working hard to achieve thei dream for themselves and their family.  So, yes insulting New York City is personal to me – it is my life line and it is the life line to millions of people who love this city and call it home.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMX1sc3eOTE&feature=related]

 

My Life has Gone Viral

 I haven’t written much about Mid-Western Boy and our relationship because I am really beginning to care for him and I don’t want to divulge too much about him or us on the worldwide web.  I’m quite interested in getting to really know him and I’m learning how sweet I think he really is.  So, this will be my last post about him and our relationship for sometime. 

I invited Mid-Western Boy to my family’s Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving.  I wasn’t sure what to expect since there was going to be a very long table and a lot of action.  He seemed to take it all in stride and remained comfortable.  I told many of my friends that this Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving can go really well or really bad.  I guess it went really well. Earlier this week Mid-Western Boy asked me to confirm our relationship for all 200+ of our friends on Facebook.  I never really thought of myself as announcing my relationship on Facebook – but here I am doing just that.  And it felt nice.  Like he was proud of me and wanted people to see me.  I think he did it in response to a discussion we had which made me feel really vulnerable (I revealed some information about DB and his not so nice treatment of me).  After revealing this information, I thought maybe Mid-Western Boy would want to run for cover thinking I came with so much baggage.  Instead, he comforted me by asking me to be his girlfriend – in a sweet but very modern way.   I met Mid-Western Boy using an online dating site, he asked me to be his girlfriend via Facebook and we have been texting with each other everyday to stay in touch when we don’t see each other.  It seems that maybe technology isnt’ so bad after all – it allowed me to meet someone special and learn about him at the same time. 

I am excited about this new beginning for me and anxious all at the same time.

The Thanksgiving Five: Family, Friends, Fun, Food and Football + Thankful for Opportunities

Today is my favorite day of the entire year!  It is a holiday that requires us to share my favorite thing in the whole world – food – and to be with the people we love most watching football! It doesn’t require buying any presents and trying to figure out if someone is going to like something  – all it requires is for us  to spend time with family doing my favorite thing – eating – and taking a moment to be thankful for all the wonderful things in life.  It is the most special of all of the holidays on our calendar because we get two days off from school and work!  No  other holiday has this type of street credit!

I am truly thankful for so many things in my life.  My journey began three years ago today when DB decided to stay out all night long and come home in a drunken/drugged stupor while I prepared a Thanksgiving feast for his family.  As a result, I canceled Thanksgiving dinner and went to my family’s home.  That day was a gift, although I didn’t know it at the time, a gift for a new life.

I have come so far since that day.  Thanksgiving  is a day that will always have so much meaning to me not only because it is the food event of the year but also because it was the first day I became alive after so many years of being emotionally numb at the hands of DB.  I will never forget that day and I will be ever grateful for the support of my family that I received when I showed up crying at their home at 11:00am with my infant son.

That day was a gift, an answer to my prayers.  That day gave me opportunity to make a choice.  A choice to leave an old life for a new life.   And as I reflect on that new life I have been living, I know that  I may not have had that opportunity to do all of it on my own if it wasn’t for  the most courageous people I know – my grandparents.  My grandparents brought their families to the United States seeking opportunity for a better life, a new life.  They left the only home they knew (their small towns) with their large families in tow and only a few personal belongings with a hope and a dream that they will find opportunity in the United States.  I am living proof of that dream of opportunity.  Like the original pilgrims my grandparents came to the United States seeking opportunity and on Thanksgiving day more than 40 years later I too sought a new opportunity for a better life that only the United States could provide a soon to be single mother – a mother with a dream.

 I have been granted opportunities that I am forever grateful for – namely my higher education and my profession.  I am thankful everyday for those opportunities because they allow me to pave the way for my son to have opportunities, I hope, that my grandparents may never have dreamed of the day they began their pilgrimage to the New World filled with hope.

Today I reflect on their pilgrimage and their hope and I am thankful for their dreams which in turn turned into opportunities and a life filled with hope, happiness and love for my son and I.

New York City is really Mayberry

Image via Wikipedia

There are so many reasons I love New York.  You have to live in this city long enough to begin to love it – it’s a tough place to love but eventually you will come to appreciate what it offers in community and it will begin to feel smaller than it did when you first began to experience it.   One of the reasons I love New York City is because after awhile so many people in your social circle end up being connected to someone in some way.  It’s closer than 7 degrees of separation.

A few weeks ago my son was invited to a party of one of his classmates.  The parents of this classmate are divorced and I did not know much about the child’s father and his girlfriend.  My son and I went downtown to the party at their apartment on a quiet Sunday afternoon.  When we entered the apartment the first person I saw was my best friend from middle school standing in the kitchen with her parents!  It was such a weird coincidence.  We both looked at each other in shock!  I have been searching for my friend for sometime now on Facebook and other internet websites but did not find her.  I had heard she lived in Philadelphia.  Well, it turns out that she is first cousins with the father of my son’s classmate and lives across town from me now.  I was more than esctatic.  We lost touch when we went to college as there was really no way to keep in touch except letter writing.  She also lived abroad for a year in Europe.  We were so happy to connect – we even had dinner together last week.  IT felt like the years between us never passed — and it all happened in a connection in New York City that was so unbelievably random.

It turns out my friend has a daughter the same age as my son and we plan to now stay in touch and have playdates and adult ladies nights out.  It was such a gift to connect with her again.  Stay tuned for more incidents of New York City is really Mayberry.

A Personal Day

Image by Niels Linneberg via Flickr

Image via Wikipedia

When do you make time for yourself?  Just to rest, to do nothing, to clear your mind, to spend a day doing things that you enjoy at your own pace?  I rarely, if ever, do  that.  I went to get a facial and my estithetician remarked how she couldn’t belive how I wouldnt’ close my eyes to relax.  I told her that I find it impossible to  relax.  I’m always doing something or thing about the next thing to do.  The things that I am thinking about or planning are not just related to work or my son but also to try to fit in some type of social activities for myself.   Trying to balance work, making quality time for my son, my home responsibilities (cleaning, cooking, etc)  and nurturing a new relationship has become exhausting.

On Sunday, I struggled to get out of bed.   My stomach was not settled and I hardly was able to eat.  On Monday morning I woke up for work and felt like I had a terrible cold.  I decided to call in sick.  I haven’t called in sick in a long time.  Probably in over two years.   There are always meetings to attend, conference calls and deadlines to meet.  I checked my calendar – and it was clear.  If I was going to relax – this was the day to do it.

My son went to school and I logged into work.  I made calls to my staff and reviewed documents for a few hours and felt worse.  I decided to log out and watch a movie – a mindless one – X-Men:First Class.  After the movie was over, I read my book, Sea of Poppies, and was lost in Amitav Ghosh‘s amazing story.  I noticed I was gaining energy and feeling better.  I then cooked a new vegetarian dish – Red Rice, Quinoa, Kale and Mushroom stuffing.   I was  thinking about preparing this dish all week.   It was delicious!  After a few hours of reading more I decided to go for a short run – it ended up being a 5 mile run.

I felt like a new person.  All I needed was for my body to rest.  Rest is something most parents (working, married, stay at home) take for granted.  We all need a day to ourselves to do nothing but recuperate from life, especially life in a busy place like New York City where you can always feel the vibrant energy of the city – even during the early morning hours.  As the rush of the  holiday season begins – we should be sure to take  time to do nothing every once in awhile – without any guilt – and before the stress and exhaustion set in.  I have tried to take 10 minutes a day to relax – by listening to Deepak Chopra’s meditations on my Ipod.  I hope you find something that will take you away from your busy life even for a few minutes.

F-A-M-I-L-Y – “When you are in my heart, you’re in my family”

Image by IvanWalsh.com via Flickr

My son and I love Laurie Berkner.   The Laurie Berkner Band is like a rock band for pre-schoolers.  Her tunes are catchy and fun for parents and children.  She even has cute videos which you can watch on YouTube.  She sings a song called Family.  When I first separated from my husband the song always brought tears to my eyes.  I was sad because Family is the most important thing in life and here I was initiating a divorce when my son was an infant breaking up a new family.  I couldn’t get it out of my head that my son  would never know the meaning of this song.

Yesterday we celebrated my niece’s christening and I realized yesterday that my fears were just nonsense.  I watched as my son had the same life I had with my cousin’s children.  I was raised with my seeing my cousins and my grandparents on a weekly basis.   Although we don’t see my extended family anymore on a weekly basis, we do get together at holiday time and for family events and catch-up with each other.  We remain in each other’s life – not because we have to – because we want to.

It was beautiful for me to see my son run around with my cousin’s children.  They had so much fun together and spent the day playing – just like I did when I was his age with my cousins.   In my life, Family is not just mother, father, sister,  and brother.  It is all the people  that have come and remained in our life to support us as we evolve on this great journey.