Tag Archives: imagination

My Boyfriend is back . . .

12 Oct

My boyfriend, Running, is totally back in my life. We have been on a break since January and I’ve been through a lot of Therapy to help me get back together with Running.  We started to see each other again in June and we took it very slow.  We only spent a few minutes together twice a week.  However, I am happy to report that we seem to be on a more regular routine now.   Last week we ran 7 miles twice! I was elated and overjoyed for days.  I love the high I get when I spend an hour with my boyfriend, Running, I love the way I feel when I get back from a run and have to stretch out my body.  When I spend time with Running I love the the way my body looks and I feel confident and strong.  I feel empowered.  Spending time with Running not only makes me feel good physically but also emotionally.  I am better able to resolve difficult decisions after I Run.   I’m also able to clear my head and sleep better at night.  I’ve missed Running so much – at times I would cry and even whine about it to my family and friends.  Now that we are back together I feel complete again.

 

These last few days I loved spending time outdoors  in New York City with my boyfriend, Running.  I was able to enjoy Central Park’s hidden running trails, a New York City sunrise over the east river and Indian summer.  I feel totally satisfied now that Running and I are back together again. 

I did tell Running that although I want to spend everyday Running I can only limit our contact for now to 3 days a week.  learned from our separation that other things are also good for me – like total body conditioning classes and Yoga.  I think it is more important that Running and I look forward to spending time together instead of seeing our intimate Runs as a chore or a quickie before going to the office.  So, for now I will savor my three days a week that I spend with my boyfriend Running. I will look forward to our Dates, I will try not to schedule anything with anyone else during the scheduled Dates I have planned to spend with Running and I will remain in the moment.  I plan not to think about what milestones Running and I may hit this year or next year or even next month – I will remain in the moment with Running for now and see where my body and life takes us.

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The Day I Lost My Identity

27 Sep

I couldn’t sleep this past weekend.  My mind was a whirl with all of the things I have to do over the next few weeks (I am feeling overwhelmed with trying to find a balance between my responsibilities at work, at home and to my self care).

 At about 3 am on Saturday night I decided to watch a movie – I ended up selecting “Everybody’s Fine.”  Strong celebrities are featured in it including Robert DeNiro.  I found the movie to be incredibly sad on two counts (1) Robert DeNiro’s character reminded me very much of my dad and (2) I could identify with Robert DeNiro’s desire to see his children and make sure they were happy.

One of the things that his daughter, played by Drew Barrymore, asked Robert DeNiro’s character was what did he want to be when he grew up.  He responded with I didn’t really have a dream – I just wanted my children to have one.  This made me think very much of my parents.  My parents, I believe, made many sacrifices for my sister and I (and continue to do so) at their expense.   I know they did it because they loved us so much but part of me thinks that being a parent became their identity.  I think that in many cases their sense of self is entirely or largely derived from being a parent.

I will never forget the day I thought my identity was lost.  It was at my son’s daycare center where one of the parents referred to me as “son’s” mommy.  This made me feel like I had lost my identity and the essence of who I was.  It felt to me that I was no longer an individual but insead identified as my child’s mother. 

In order to preserve my identity as a mommy, I have done several diffeerent things including running, reading and decorating our apartment to be a more contempory home.  Sometimes, I think I am selfish for wanting to explore my interests (outside of my son) because I believe any time away from him is selfish and at his detriment.   Nonetheless, I think that if i did not have the little free time I have come to enjoy as a result of my son’s visitation schedule, I may have truly lost my identity (in my inner life) and would not have an identity outside of being my son’s mother, my husband’s wife.  I felt like I lost myself during my marriage.  Now that I have had an opportunity to explore my interests on my free time I’ve learned that I don’t want to lose myself in my child.  I want us to grow together.   I don’t want to use my parental role to become more complete.  I want to be complete as a person and as my son’s mother. I find that the time away and my outside interests have enhanced all of the relationships around me and I believe that it will enhance my relationship with my son as he learns to appreciate my “outside” interests.

A Summer Storm

20 Aug

A few weeks ago my son and I were taking the bus home from school with his classmate and his classmate’s mom.  As we got off the bus approximately two blocks from our apartment, the rain began teaming down.  We were caught at the bus stop without an umbrella.   Thankfully, we were waiting in the bus shelter.  As many of you New York City dwellers, getting caught in the rain without an umbrella is a tough proposition to be in as there usually are not any cabs available for hailing at this time!

We stopped in the bus shelter when my son and his classmate thought it would be fun to run in and out of the bus shelter and get a few drops of the heavy rain on them.  However, as with most boys, they began to test their boundaries with mother nature and how far and fast they can go from the bus shelter and not get so wet.   We noticed how much fun they were having and my friend offered that we run home in the rain because it did not look like it would begin to slow down anytime soon.  My initial reaction was – no way  I didn’t want to get wet. 

I watched the boys for a few more minutes run in and out of the rain and their laughter was so sweet and natural.  They had true belly laughs trying to beat out mother nature at this bus shelter.  A few minutes later I agreed with my friend to try to make  a run for it in the teeming rain. 

We ran the two blocks together in that pouring rain holding our little boys hands.  I have never done that in my entire life. We were soaked from head to toe.  However, my son and I enjoyed that moment. All four of us were laughing and smiling so hard that it was worth the risk of getting a little wet on that hot summer night.  I am glad I took the moment to watch my son enjoy that innocent game of running in and out of the rain at the bus shelter.  It taught me that I need to test my boundaries every once inawhile and not be afraid to get my feet wet.

Pirates, Astronauts and Trips to Mars

18 Aug

I was a very creative child.  I wrote books, I created art for the books and I even attempted to publish them!  My sister and I acted out elaborate scenes of Gilligan’s Island in our living room.  We played school.  What I noticed sometime along the way in either undergraduate or graduate school was that as I became an adult I lost the ability to be creative and imagine.  To dream a little dream.  

  My job doesn’t really afford me an opportunity to creatively express myself  and my life hasn’t allowed me to think about what my dreams are.  If I can do anything in the world – what would I want to do?   One of the things my son has been teaching me is how to fantasize, imagine and create.   I love that my son has a grand imagination.  There are days when we walk the city streets and he is dressed as a pirate or a superhero. 

One of my favorite instances of his creativity was at the Apple store on Fifth Avenue in NYC.  We took the glass enclosed futuristic elevator up to the main street  (bustling Fifth Avenue) when my son said before the elevator ascended to the streets of the city  “3 -2 -1 BLASTOFF Mommy!”  When the doors opened we were on Mars.  We decided it was very hot on Mars and we were looking for alien life form.  As you can imagine in midtown Manhattan we were a site to behold.  Imagining our space trip was a lot of fun for me and it took me away for a few minutes.  It also reminded me that I need to remember how to dream.  This week I’ve been focusing alot on my dreams – trying to remind myself how to dream and what kind of life that I dream for myself.

Do you take the time to imagine?  What a great exercise to free yourself from your daily activities.  I’m glad I have my son with me to remind me of how to escape from the bustling streets of New York Ciy for a few minutes.

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