Tag Archives: love

Asking the Universe Again

21 Oct
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I believe that if you ask for something, you keep putting it out there and you really want something – your prayers will be answered by the divine.  I’ve put many requests out there that I really wanted and each prayer was answered.  I’ve been dating a little bit lately and dating has me thinking –  what is it that I want in a man?  I have a “list” and my “list” according to many friends is long.   The universe pretty much delivered a man to me that was in response to my list but what I realized by dating the guy that fits the “list” is that a deep relationship is not only about someone meeting this “list” of items that I want in a person but also it really is about how I feel when I’m with this person.  Today, I am going to begin by focusing not on my “list” but instead about how I feel and my son feels when we are with this special person.

This week I told Elevator Man that I had to end our short dating experience.  I knew that I felt no chemistry with him from that first kiss but even more so I knew that he couldn’t offer me what I wanted in a relationship.  He told me  on the first date that he didn’t want anymore children and he was looking to have fun.  I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to have another child but I do know that I never had my chance at a family life.  I certainly want to have fun but I want more than just having fun – –  I want a deep relationship.

I am searching for a  man with integrity with good, strong character who makes me feel emotionally safe and always loved.  When I am with this special man I know that I can relax and rely on him to take care of me and my son.  This man will be a good role model for my son to admire and respect as he grows into a man.  This special man will be my partner in life – in every sense of the word.  He will  join me and my son in our journey and truly be part of our lives.  He will love me and will love my son.  My son will laugh with him and feel comfortable in every way a child should feel comfortable with a father.  I will always feel confident and beautiful with this man.  We will laugh alot together and be content with each other’s company.  We will be able to discuss difficult subject matters and resolve them and move forward together.   We will have amazing physical chemistry, emotional chemistry and intellectual chemistry.  We will feel connected on all levels.  He will believe in true love and so will I. My son will never feel like this man was never part of our lives and neither will I.  We will be a family.

Well, there it is – I am putting it out there how I believe I should feel in a deep relationship with a special man who I believe is looking for me as I write this note.   I know the universe will answer and it will be when I’m ready to recieve this special person in my life.


My Boyfriend is back . . .

12 Oct

My boyfriend, Running, is totally back in my life. We have been on a break since January and I’ve been through a lot of Therapy to help me get back together with Running.  We started to see each other again in June and we took it very slow.  We only spent a few minutes together twice a week.  However, I am happy to report that we seem to be on a more regular routine now.   Last week we ran 7 miles twice! I was elated and overjoyed for days.  I love the high I get when I spend an hour with my boyfriend, Running, I love the way I feel when I get back from a run and have to stretch out my body.  When I spend time with Running I love the the way my body looks and I feel confident and strong.  I feel empowered.  Spending time with Running not only makes me feel good physically but also emotionally.  I am better able to resolve difficult decisions after I Run.   I’m also able to clear my head and sleep better at night.  I’ve missed Running so much – at times I would cry and even whine about it to my family and friends.  Now that we are back together I feel complete again.


These last few days I loved spending time outdoors  in New York City with my boyfriend, Running.  I was able to enjoy Central Park’s hidden running trails, a New York City sunrise over the east river and Indian summer.  I feel totally satisfied now that Running and I are back together again. 

I did tell Running that although I want to spend everyday Running I can only limit our contact for now to 3 days a week.  learned from our separation that other things are also good for me – like total body conditioning classes and Yoga.  I think it is more important that Running and I look forward to spending time together instead of seeing our intimate Runs as a chore or a quickie before going to the office.  So, for now I will savor my three days a week that I spend with my boyfriend Running. I will look forward to our Dates, I will try not to schedule anything with anyone else during the scheduled Dates I have planned to spend with Running and I will remain in the moment.  I plan not to think about what milestones Running and I may hit this year or next year or even next month – I will remain in the moment with Running for now and see where my body and life takes us.

Two Dates in 24 Hours – The Efficient Single Mom

10 Oct

My son was with his dad this weekend and I scheduled a date with each of Elevator Man and Mid-Western Boy to utilize my free time efficiently.   I am viewing these dates as an interesting social experimentation  since I have never dated two men at one time.  These men are different from each other as Night is to Day.  I find it odd that I am attracted to both and enjoyed the company of both men.  I found both of my dates with them to be “nice.” 

I guess that’s my issue – I assumed one of them would sort of naturally inch out ahead of the other when I had an opportunity to see both of them in less than 24 hours.  In the end,  I felt neither of them swept me off my feet at any point.  I’m wondering if it is because I already see the demise of a relationship with either of them before I even allow one to develop?  Is this my baggage talking or is it my gut instinct?  I think I have a pretty strong instinct now that all that crap that my ex-husband did to me to bury my instinct (and lots of other things about my essence) throughout our relationship, has cleared out of my inner life.  If one of these men were the right one for me – wouldn’t I feel swept off my feet and would want to see one over the other?  One of my biggest issues with both of them is that when I kiss either of them I don’t have the same powerful, physical chemical reaction that I had when Boy-Man kissed me.  When Boy-Man kissed me or even touched my arm or held my hand – it was like some type of chemical reaction was released within my body.  Now when I reflect on that chemical reaction (i.e. fireworks), I wonder if my mind created those fireworks because I romanticized Boy-Man and elevated our physical connection – or was our connection real?

These are the questions I have about dating.  How do you know when it is the right person for you?  All the happily married people  say – “you just know”.   I don’t know how much I believe them.  I married my ex-husband and I didn’t “know that he was the right person for me.”  I did it – for a lot of different reasons – all of which took years of therapy to discover.  

What I do know is the following:  Elevator Man is very much a person who has similar interests to me.  I thought Boy-Man was the only man in the world that loved books and reading as much as I do, dressed-well and enjoyed art and museums.  I was wrong – Elevator Man does too – in a more refined way than my Boy-Man.  In addition, Elevator Man wants to be in an intimate, exclusive relationship (well he says that, but we haven’t had sex yet, so I know from my experience, that sex changes everything about what a man decides what he wants from a woman), something he has expressed several times to me.  Finally, Elevator Man actively CALLS me , like on the old-fashion telephone – just to say hi and keep connected during the week when we don’t see each other.  I admire this quality the most – I thought using the actual phone and hearing someone’s voice was pretty archaic in the dating world – but it isn’t to Elevator Man and I’m happy about that.

I haven’t learned much from Mid-Western Boy yet.  He seems pretty guarded.  I do have fun with him. He is pretty funny.   I do think Mid-Western Boy realizes that we are very different from each other – he was quite uncomfortable when he arrived at my building yesterday afternoon and realized that he had to ask the concierge for permission to enter.  I had warned him as I had a feeling he did not have much exposure to NYC apartment buildings but when he arrived he became all flustered in the lobby and called me and asked me what he should do.  I told him to come right up but my diligent doorman stopped him anyway and called me to ask for permission to let him up.  He also told me he thought I was very interesting and then when I asked him to elaborate – he became all  quiet – strange for him as he is extremely chatty.   He does kiss me in a very nice, passionate way.  We walked the city holding hands – which he actually insisted upon as I had my hands in my pocket – he reached for it and pulled it next to him.  It was sweet.  He didn’t try to come up to my apartment after our date – which I respected.  Unlike Elevator Man – who was attempting to use his most charming negotiating skills to come up and continue our our date into Sunday morning from Saturday Night.

I don’t know what I want from either of Elevator Man or Mid-Western Boy but I do know that I’ve already learned a couple of things about dating through them and I am having fun — that’s what I set out to do.  So I will keep seeing both of them until I’m not learning or having fun anymore.

Celebrating My 25 Year Old Reproductive Organs

6 Oct

Today is my birthday.  I turn 35 – I’ve officially entered my mid-thirties.  I remember when my Dad turned 40 and we had an “over the hill” party for him.  I don’t believe I’m 5 years closer to being “over the hill” and I think I’m much younger than my dad was at 35 but we shall see as time does its cruel crawl to that “over the hill” milestone. 

The first real relationship I had after my divorce was with that certain gentleman that I told you about – who was 10 years younger than me.  He was the most beautiful looking man (or should I say boy-man) I thought (and still think)  I had ever laid my eyes on.  Me, so practiced in self-criticism, so very self-conscious of my age, harbored several insecurities that “everyone” could tell how much older I was than him when I was with him.  I also felt insecurities about how  he would find distaste in  my body that had delivered vaginally a 7 lb 7 oz little man.  My inner life would constantly be preoccupied with evaluating the supple body and skin of beautiful twenty-something year olds walking the streets of New York City that I believed this beautiful boy-man should have been dating. 

After our relationship ended,  I  wallowed daily in the thoughts that my beautiful boy-man may at any moment fall in love with some supple twenty-something year old who did not harbor the scars of delivering and carrying a child and he would think to himself what the hell was he thinking of sleeping with and spending time with such an old lady as myself? 

Luckily for me, these thoughts were  put to rest a few weeks after our break-up (sometime in July) at my annual check-up with my Gynecologist.  I have been seeing this certain Gynecologist since I moved back to the city so she was not the same Gynecologist that delivered my son (although the history of my childbirth was in her charts).  As she was doing my sonogram and physical checkup of my ovaries, she told me that my uterus and ovaries were in great shape for when I was ready to have a child.  So, I looked up over my feet hoisted in those stirrups and said “Dr. M – I delivered a child almost 4 years to the day”.   And she blushed and was quite understandably startled and proceeded to look more closely at my digital chart on her electronic device and profusely apologized for not reviewing it carefully before seeing me.  I said it was quite alright.  When she checked my age she told me she thought I looked  about 10 years younger than I was! 

At first I was startled that this Gynecologist could not tell from looking at my vagina that I had delivered a child vaginally – don’t we all get kind of messed up down there after pushing a baby out?  I was distracted and wondering if I should find a new Gynecologist.   A few hours later I realized that I needed to listen more closely to the message the universe was trying to send me – that this was not cause for alarm – this was cause for celebration!  There was no need for me to be caught up in how I looked “so old” or the “numbers” and to stop being distracted by thoughts that my “private parts” were not up to par with some young thing’s vagina! 

So today when I celebrate my birthday, I will toast to my “25 year old-vagina” and remember to feel more confident in my body and my skin the next time I expose myself to a man like that again.

Kissing Strangers

5 Oct

I’m doing what I should have been doing in my twenties in my mid-thirties!  I’m just kissing strangers…  I’m  meeting different men and learning about this peculiar species.  I’ve never casually dated different men at once. I always thought it was deceitful.  However, I’m starting to see the benefit of it.  While casually meeting different men, I’m learning that they are all so different.  And, I’m learning what I like and what I don’t like.   I did not date much before I married my ex-husband and my experience was limited to very similar personalities since I met guys through friends who all had similar interests.  On-line dating has introduced me to different people that are not in my circle of friends and thus, allowing me to meet people outside of my social circle – men that are very different than men I have known.

I had my second date with an 11 firearm owning, animal hunting, miltary-serving man originally from a very small town in the MidWest last weekend.  He had only been to NYC once in his life before moving here in June.  And I (so NY centric)  have never been to the Midwest! He had never even left the contiguous United States before he was called to active duty in Iraq.  He had never seen a Monet, Picasso, VanGogh or any other works of a famous artist.  On our first date I suggested the rooftop bar of the Metropolitan Museum of Art and he was in awe of the beautiful works of art.  It was awesome that he seemed to appreciate the works of art I introduced to him.  Our second date was at a wine bar (his suggestion) where he admitted when we opened the menu that he never drinks wine and prefers beer and asked me to order.  He sheepishly told me that he ironed a shirt just for our date!  Yes, very different from the men I’ve met before.  However, I don’t mind.  There was something warm about it.  He just texted me that our third date will be to watch some old fashion American football on Sunday.  I’m excited to see him again.  On our second date I realized I was physically attracted to him.    When we parted last Friday after our date, I didn’t expect the passionate kiss that came from him – so I guess he returned the same feeling of physical chemistry.   It was a swooning,  kiss in the rain.  We’ll see what happens on Date 3 on Sunday.  I’m hoping for another kiss because I did have two glasses of red wine before our first kiss and I could have been swooing from the buzz of the wine and not from the kiss . . . but we shall see!

I had my first date with elevator man last night!  I was so anxious about this date. I didn’t know what to expect since the only thing I knew about him was from the  30 seconds it took for the elevator to reach his floor from the lobby of our office building and his linkedin profile that he sent me.  I have to say I wasn’t disappointed.  He was attractive and he didn’t talk about work.  He was open and kind.  He is definitely a deep, soul searching man.  I felt immediately comfortable with him -like he was an old friend.  There was something familiar about him, probably because he too was raised in the tristate area and we are in the same line of work. 

He asked to kiss me goodnight (unlike my midwestern boy who surprised me with a passionate kiss).  His kiss was sweet and gentlemanly.  The only reservation there was that I didn’t feel the swoon that I felt from the midwestern boy – I’m wondering if it was because I only had one glass of white wine as opposed to two glasses of red! We scheduled a  second date next week.  I’m hoping for physical chemistry because he seemed like a nice guy.  I am harboring some doubts about my midwestern boy and his interest in me but that could be those old demons still hanging out in my inner life – but I vowed to myself that I will be cautious and slow because I have a tendency to get attached!

All in all, this was an exciting week for me.  I enjoyed both dates.  I know that I do always choose incorrectly in my romantic life  – – so right now I’m not going to choose – I’m just going to innocently kiss strangers – hoping that maybe, just maybe, one of them might turn out to be more than just a stranger in my life.

And the Universe Answers Again . . .

30 Sep

I have admitted to many of my friends that I feel that my life is incomplete.  I have so much in my life and I am very busy enjoying every aspect of it but I feel like something is missing.   I have admitted that what I really want now is someone to share my life with – someone to share my son and all of the amazing things he says and does.  I want someone to enjoy the meals that I love to cook – I want someone to share my happiness.

In all honesty,  I feel really weird about this strong desire for a relationship, for a boyfriend.   I have a socially full life and I am so very independent – so why does an independent woman like me desire a man in her life to complete her? Isn’t this the very antithesis of why women have become so independent – to free us from being bound by an unfulfilling relationship?

Growing up, my mom, who did not have a higher education or a career told me almost everyday that I will go to college and get a degree so I do not ever have to rely on  a man.  Little did she know at the time (30+ years ago) that her daily mantra influenced me to have a career and was one of the most important gifts that she gave me – my economic freedom.  She prepared me for my freedom to walk away from an abusive husband.  Now that I have this freedom from a relationship that nearly destroyed me – why the heck these several years later would I want to seek  another relationship where my freedom could be jeopardized?  If I have such a full life, why is finding a boyfriend such a strong focus of my inner life?

I’ve been struggling with this thought for weeks now – but I have concluded that  it is human nature to want to be a part of something greater, to be attracted to another person and to spend time with that person.  To want to evetually form a tribe with that person (a family with that person).  I’ve accepted that I’m okay with this focus and that it is an important focus.

I have been using an on-line dating tool and I was griping the other day to a friend that I feel like the on-line dating tool isn’t as romantic as meeting someone at a party or through a friend or any other spontaneous way people meet in their life.  AND I am starved for romance and I want to meet someone in a romantic way.

Ask and it Shall be Given.  The very next day after griping to my friend – I met a man in a very spontaneous and extraordinary way! I met a man in the elevator of my office building!  We both walked onto the elevator in the lobby of the building.  There are 35 floors of my office building.  I work on the 19th floor and he works on the 9th floor.  We do not work for the same company but we have the same degree.  By the time the 9th floor doors opened, this gentleman asked me my full name!  Within an hour – he had located my information on Linkedin and through my company’s main operator.  He called and left a message for me at my office and sent me a message on LinkedIn.   I have a date with him next week!

All I did was ask the Universe to have me meet someone in a romantic way – and the universe once again delivered.  I am a believer in the power of prayer.  I’m also a believer that every opportunity comes with a lesson.   I am ready to learn from this  lesson the universe is about to teach me (and excited about it too!).

Relationships after Divorce

23 Sep

I’ve been divorced for over 1 year now and separated from my ex-husband for almost three years. In that time I have had experiences dating two very different men – both obviously were not the right people for me.  Now I’m trying the on-line dating thing and also keeping a look-out for a quality person in my day-to -day life (as many single women know a difficult task – where are all the good men?).   During all of this, I keep asking myself – what is the end game for me? 

Before I was married  the end game was MARRIAGE – FAMILY.    I’m still rebuilding myself after my attempt at a marriage nearly destroyed my spirit. I have a child from my prior marriage who I absolutely adore and love – So, I keep asking myself what is the end game for me in seeking out a relationship with a man at this point? Is it really marriage and building of a family?

While I was dating the prior gentleman he had hinted several times that he was interested in a future with me and my son.  I couldn’t picture having him join our life and our home in such a definitive way.  My son and I have been by ourselves  since he was an infant and allowing someone to join our family is a very serious decision for me.  Maybe this gentleman wasn’t the right person for me and that is why I couldn’t see building a life with him – but that experience has left me questioning myself as to what I’m seeking from another person.

I’ve known several people who were able to move on to another serious relationship (or even get ready to be married again) before their divorce was even final.  They even join their children together and have more children together. I think this is a beautiful and natural experience but I wonder – is this the experience for me?  

What I do know is that what I really want to experience before I could even consider another union with a man is to experience the ability to trust a man with my whole true self, with my emotional self and with my son. I want to be confident that when this man says he’ll take care of me – he means it and will be there for me in everyway a man should be there for a woman in his life.

The ability to trust a man is a start of a relationship for me – and that’s really all I know I want right now.

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