Tag Archives: mind body soul

Persistence of Time

1 Feb
Old Post Office Pavillion clock tower

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It has been a very long time since I’ve had a few minutes of time all to myself.  A few moments of time to gather my thoughts and write about city life and my son.  Time  to be creative and passionate.

I never realized how important this time to  myself was until I didn’t have a whole minute alone.  I always knew I was a person that liked to be by myself but I never realized how much I would crave solitude as I have over the past several months.

My son’s father hasn’t taken my son for an overnight visit for over one month now.  My days have been exclusively dedicated to spending time with my precious four year old son, who demands my attention, with screams and constant yells of “mommeeee!”  All of this time together has brought us closer together.  I wake up to my son calling out to me, we spend the morning commuting  to the office on the city bus doing puzzles or reading books.  I spend the day at my office working, negotiating and thinking about various issues that each day brings.  At the end of the day, I pick up my son from school and we spend the evening talking, eating dinner nd getting ready for bed.  All of My time is either spent at the office or doing something with my son.    If my son is cooperative in the evening and gets to bed at a decent hour, I can have a few minutes to myself to clean up the kitchen and pack up our food for lunch.  However, this is not my time.  this is what i call Family Time.  Just like cooking is Family Time.  It is an activity that is meant for the family to enjoy.

What I really want is a break – some time to myself; so I’m not rushing from work to the bus to the connecting bus and then home.

I have no one to blame but myself.  I wished for my son’s dad to fade out of our life.   And now it appears he is fading out.  I feared that the fading out would have a negative impact on my son because he was losing this male figure in his life.  His Dad. 

What I instead observe is that my son is better adjusted.  He listens to me, is not as aggressive and is very affectionate with me.  I don’t sense that underlying anger that my son seemed to have exhibited during the summer and early fall when he was seeing more of his father. 

Yes, I feel a sense of justice.  I feel that maybe my son will have a fighting chance at growing into a well balanced man if his father fades away into the background.  My son won’t have to learn to deal with the lies and manipulating thoughts he was infecting my son with during the latter part of last year.  Yes, I feel a sense of victory.  I only hope this fade away is consistent because the only thing consistent about DB is that he is inconsistent.

While I do feel a sense of victory, I feel that the battle has been devastating to the warrior (me).  I’m exhausted, I’m spent and I’m searching for time, time to be by myself, time for solitude and time for “being” instead of “doing.”   Maybe this is how all mothers feel at one point or another.  Even if it is how all mothers feel. . . I just don’t think it is acceptable. 

Last night I worked on building in time for solitude in my schedule.  I’m decided o begin with 15 minutes twice a week.  I’m going to deliberately unchain myself from my desk at the office and sit on the benches outside my office building. I’m not going to bring my blackberry or my iphone.  I’m not going to bring documents to review with me. 

I’m going to sit for 15 minutes and do nothing – twice a week.  The idea of it just relaxes me already.  Today will be my first day.  Wish me luck!

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A New Year

4 Jan

HappinessI survived the race to the end of the year.  It was a very busy month for me at the office and at home.  I didn’t have much time for creative writing or even getting my thoughts together clearly because I was consumed by work, parenting and my new relationship.  I forgot how consuming a relationship can be – and I don’t mind it at all. 

In addition, it was the first holiday season where I was happy in a long, long time.  I believe part of my happiness was that I had set my intention on becoming happy as my 2011 goal – my goal was to be fulfilled in mind, body, and soul.  I felt like I was achieving the goal by around September/October of 2011.  I was running again, I started to explore my spiritual side and I was finally feeling content with my life.  At some point in the fall almost at the exact time all of these things were coming together I met Mid-Western Boy.  As a result, I know I must attribute my happiness during this holiday season to him as well.  The final – most wondering reason I was happy this holiday season  was that I had my son for the holidays this year and I was able to enjoy spending time with him .  

I love that 2011 began with the setting of my intention to be fulfilled in mind, body and soul and that I actually achieved that by the conclusion of the year.  It was the first time in my life that I set an intention for the year and actually worked on it all year. 

What I am proudest of is that I have finally found some sort of spirituality.  I’ve become a person who trusts in the universe, a person who believes in synchronicity.  A person who looks at the choices life presents and does not judge them but follows what she thinks must be some divine plan for her.  A person who tries to look at life and life’s events in a more positive way.  This positive outlook and trust in a divine plan has made life a bit easier.

Now as I look towards 2012, I am focusing on setting my intention on how I plan to further grow as a person.   My intention is  to  improve upon the growth in my spirituality and to continue to increase my faith in a divine plan.  It is also my intention to focus on continuing to develop my relationship with Mid-Western Boy and to ensure that it remains a healthy relationship where I continue to have my emotional needs met (and of course, hopefully provide him the same). 

I’m excited for this new year and of course the focus on these new beginnings, I will trust in my faith in the universe that wherever life takes me over the course of the next 12 months it is ensure that I evolve into the best me possible.

My Boyfriend is back . . .

12 Oct

My boyfriend, Running, is totally back in my life. We have been on a break since January and I’ve been through a lot of Therapy to help me get back together with Running.  We started to see each other again in June and we took it very slow.  We only spent a few minutes together twice a week.  However, I am happy to report that we seem to be on a more regular routine now.   Last week we ran 7 miles twice! I was elated and overjoyed for days.  I love the high I get when I spend an hour with my boyfriend, Running, I love the way I feel when I get back from a run and have to stretch out my body.  When I spend time with Running I love the the way my body looks and I feel confident and strong.  I feel empowered.  Spending time with Running not only makes me feel good physically but also emotionally.  I am better able to resolve difficult decisions after I Run.   I’m also able to clear my head and sleep better at night.  I’ve missed Running so much – at times I would cry and even whine about it to my family and friends.  Now that we are back together I feel complete again.

 

These last few days I loved spending time outdoors  in New York City with my boyfriend, Running.  I was able to enjoy Central Park’s hidden running trails, a New York City sunrise over the east river and Indian summer.  I feel totally satisfied now that Running and I are back together again. 

I did tell Running that although I want to spend everyday Running I can only limit our contact for now to 3 days a week.  learned from our separation that other things are also good for me – like total body conditioning classes and Yoga.  I think it is more important that Running and I look forward to spending time together instead of seeing our intimate Runs as a chore or a quickie before going to the office.  So, for now I will savor my three days a week that I spend with my boyfriend Running. I will look forward to our Dates, I will try not to schedule anything with anyone else during the scheduled Dates I have planned to spend with Running and I will remain in the moment.  I plan not to think about what milestones Running and I may hit this year or next year or even next month – I will remain in the moment with Running for now and see where my body and life takes us.

Celebrating My 25 Year Old Reproductive Organs

6 Oct

Today is my birthday.  I turn 35 – I’ve officially entered my mid-thirties.  I remember when my Dad turned 40 and we had an “over the hill” party for him.  I don’t believe I’m 5 years closer to being “over the hill” and I think I’m much younger than my dad was at 35 but we shall see as time does its cruel crawl to that “over the hill” milestone. 

The first real relationship I had after my divorce was with that certain gentleman that I told you about – who was 10 years younger than me.  He was the most beautiful looking man (or should I say boy-man) I thought (and still think)  I had ever laid my eyes on.  Me, so practiced in self-criticism, so very self-conscious of my age, harbored several insecurities that “everyone” could tell how much older I was than him when I was with him.  I also felt insecurities about how  he would find distaste in  my body that had delivered vaginally a 7 lb 7 oz little man.  My inner life would constantly be preoccupied with evaluating the supple body and skin of beautiful twenty-something year olds walking the streets of New York City that I believed this beautiful boy-man should have been dating. 

After our relationship ended,  I  wallowed daily in the thoughts that my beautiful boy-man may at any moment fall in love with some supple twenty-something year old who did not harbor the scars of delivering and carrying a child and he would think to himself what the hell was he thinking of sleeping with and spending time with such an old lady as myself? 

Luckily for me, these thoughts were  put to rest a few weeks after our break-up (sometime in July) at my annual check-up with my Gynecologist.  I have been seeing this certain Gynecologist since I moved back to the city so she was not the same Gynecologist that delivered my son (although the history of my childbirth was in her charts).  As she was doing my sonogram and physical checkup of my ovaries, she told me that my uterus and ovaries were in great shape for when I was ready to have a child.  So, I looked up over my feet hoisted in those stirrups and said “Dr. M – I delivered a child almost 4 years to the day”.   And she blushed and was quite understandably startled and proceeded to look more closely at my digital chart on her electronic device and profusely apologized for not reviewing it carefully before seeing me.  I said it was quite alright.  When she checked my age she told me she thought I looked  about 10 years younger than I was! 

At first I was startled that this Gynecologist could not tell from looking at my vagina that I had delivered a child vaginally – don’t we all get kind of messed up down there after pushing a baby out?  I was distracted and wondering if I should find a new Gynecologist.   A few hours later I realized that I needed to listen more closely to the message the universe was trying to send me – that this was not cause for alarm – this was cause for celebration!  There was no need for me to be caught up in how I looked “so old” or the “numbers” and to stop being distracted by thoughts that my “private parts” were not up to par with some young thing’s vagina! 

So today when I celebrate my birthday, I will toast to my “25 year old-vagina” and remember to feel more confident in my body and my skin the next time I expose myself to a man like that again.

And the Universe Answers Again . . .

30 Sep

I have admitted to many of my friends that I feel that my life is incomplete.  I have so much in my life and I am very busy enjoying every aspect of it but I feel like something is missing.   I have admitted that what I really want now is someone to share my life with – someone to share my son and all of the amazing things he says and does.  I want someone to enjoy the meals that I love to cook – I want someone to share my happiness.

In all honesty,  I feel really weird about this strong desire for a relationship, for a boyfriend.   I have a socially full life and I am so very independent – so why does an independent woman like me desire a man in her life to complete her? Isn’t this the very antithesis of why women have become so independent – to free us from being bound by an unfulfilling relationship?

Growing up, my mom, who did not have a higher education or a career told me almost everyday that I will go to college and get a degree so I do not ever have to rely on  a man.  Little did she know at the time (30+ years ago) that her daily mantra influenced me to have a career and was one of the most important gifts that she gave me – my economic freedom.  She prepared me for my freedom to walk away from an abusive husband.  Now that I have this freedom from a relationship that nearly destroyed me – why the heck these several years later would I want to seek  another relationship where my freedom could be jeopardized?  If I have such a full life, why is finding a boyfriend such a strong focus of my inner life?

I’ve been struggling with this thought for weeks now – but I have concluded that  it is human nature to want to be a part of something greater, to be attracted to another person and to spend time with that person.  To want to evetually form a tribe with that person (a family with that person).  I’ve accepted that I’m okay with this focus and that it is an important focus.

I have been using an on-line dating tool and I was griping the other day to a friend that I feel like the on-line dating tool isn’t as romantic as meeting someone at a party or through a friend or any other spontaneous way people meet in their life.  AND I am starved for romance and I want to meet someone in a romantic way.

Ask and it Shall be Given.  The very next day after griping to my friend – I met a man in a very spontaneous and extraordinary way! I met a man in the elevator of my office building!  We both walked onto the elevator in the lobby of the building.  There are 35 floors of my office building.  I work on the 19th floor and he works on the 9th floor.  We do not work for the same company but we have the same degree.  By the time the 9th floor doors opened, this gentleman asked me my full name!  Within an hour – he had located my information on Linkedin and through my company’s main operator.  He called and left a message for me at my office and sent me a message on LinkedIn.   I have a date with him next week!

All I did was ask the Universe to have me meet someone in a romantic way – and the universe once again delivered.  I am a believer in the power of prayer.  I’m also a believer that every opportunity comes with a lesson.   I am ready to learn from this  lesson the universe is about to teach me (and excited about it too!).

Relationships after Divorce

23 Sep

I’ve been divorced for over 1 year now and separated from my ex-husband for almost three years. In that time I have had experiences dating two very different men – both obviously were not the right people for me.  Now I’m trying the on-line dating thing and also keeping a look-out for a quality person in my day-to -day life (as many single women know a difficult task – where are all the good men?).   During all of this, I keep asking myself – what is the end game for me? 

Before I was married  the end game was MARRIAGE – FAMILY.    I’m still rebuilding myself after my attempt at a marriage nearly destroyed my spirit. I have a child from my prior marriage who I absolutely adore and love – So, I keep asking myself what is the end game for me in seeking out a relationship with a man at this point? Is it really marriage and building of a family?

While I was dating the prior gentleman he had hinted several times that he was interested in a future with me and my son.  I couldn’t picture having him join our life and our home in such a definitive way.  My son and I have been by ourselves  since he was an infant and allowing someone to join our family is a very serious decision for me.  Maybe this gentleman wasn’t the right person for me and that is why I couldn’t see building a life with him – but that experience has left me questioning myself as to what I’m seeking from another person.

I’ve known several people who were able to move on to another serious relationship (or even get ready to be married again) before their divorce was even final.  They even join their children together and have more children together. I think this is a beautiful and natural experience but I wonder – is this the experience for me?  

What I do know is that what I really want to experience before I could even consider another union with a man is to experience the ability to trust a man with my whole true self, with my emotional self and with my son. I want to be confident that when this man says he’ll take care of me – he means it and will be there for me in everyway a man should be there for a woman in his life.

The ability to trust a man is a start of a relationship for me – and that’s really all I know I want right now.

Building Character

30 Aug

When I was a little kid my dad used to tell me that losing  “builds character.”  He meant it in relation to when your team didn’t win or you didn’t come home with that science fair trophy.  At the time, I didn’t really understand what he meant.  I didn’t really understand he meant until very recently – when I underwent one of the most significant losses in my life –  my dream of a family life.  Very recently I realized that what my dad meant was that losing something important to you forces you to undergo a transformation – it forces you to evolve – to find a greater meaning than the  one thing you feel like you just lost.  

Losing the life I thought I wanted has forced me to undergo a transformation – to take on a journey to find myself.  I realized that I read “Eat, Love, Pray” by Elizabeth Gilbert too soon – I read it when my son was a newborn.  I didn’t really understand what message Ms. Gilbert was saying at the time (that’s how lost a new mother can be in her new life!).  

I recall that I thought  the protagonist was pretty whiny and I didn’t understand her personal struggle.   However, there are times when I reflect on her book and I totally understand her message.    While I still don’t love her book like many others have, I can, like I think many woman can, relate to her feeling of claustrophobia within her marriage and her rethinking the life’s path she took before she awoke one day and said this isn’t working for me.  

  She was a very lucky woman to have the opportunity and luxury to take one year off from her life to find herself and to forgive herself and heal – not many people can do that.  I certainly do not have that luxury (although there are many days I wish I did).  Even without the good fortune of being able to take a year out of my life to focus on myself, I am doing just that every day within the fabric of my life.   I, like Ms. Gilbert, am searching for all that she was searching for  – food to feed my soul (albeit more of a vegetarian/vegan ilk); I am on a desperate search for  spirituality (a hope to feel connected to my soul and the divine) and of course, I am hoping to find true, healthy lasting love.

Everyday I tell myself, I am grateful for this challenge in my life, the challenge of being a single parent, the challenge that is making me grow and evolve into a stronger, more balanced woman.   I hope that one day I will produce something that has touched the lives of others – just as Ms. Gilbert has with her book – but for me my production would not be a best-selling novel or a made for the silver screen film.  Instead, my production, I hope, would be that I can finally be a peace with myself and help others to be at peace with themselves too.

I hope you take the time to be thankful for the challenge that you are undergoing at the moment and have the knowledge that this challenge is encouraging you to grow and evolve into a more beautiful person.

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