Tag Archives: relationships

My Life has Gone Viral

30 Nov

 I haven’t written much about Mid-Western Boy and our relationship because I am really beginning to care for him and I don’t want to divulge too much about him or us on the worldwide web.  I’m quite interested in getting to really know him and I’m learning how sweet I think he really is.  So, this will be my last post about him and our relationship for sometime. 

I invited Mid-Western Boy to my family’s Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving.  I wasn’t sure what to expect since there was going to be a very long table and a lot of action.  He seemed to take it all in stride and remained comfortable.  I told many of my friends that this Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving can go really well or really bad.  I guess it went really well. Earlier this week Mid-Western Boy asked me to confirm our relationship for all 200+ of our friends on Facebook.  I never really thought of myself as announcing my relationship on Facebook – but here I am doing just that.  And it felt nice.  Like he was proud of me and wanted people to see me.  I think he did it in response to a discussion we had which made me feel really vulnerable (I revealed some information about DB and his not so nice treatment of me).  After revealing this information, I thought maybe Mid-Western Boy would want to run for cover thinking I came with so much baggage.  Instead, he comforted me by asking me to be his girlfriend – in a sweet but very modern way.   I met Mid-Western Boy using an online dating site, he asked me to be his girlfriend via Facebook and we have been texting with each other everyday to stay in touch when we don’t see each other.  It seems that maybe technology isnt’ so bad after all – it allowed me to meet someone special and learn about him at the same time. 

I am excited about this new beginning for me and anxious all at the same time.


My Love Affair with New York City continues . . .

29 Nov
New York Times Square New year celebrations in...

Image via Wikipedia

Earlier this month I wrote that New York City is Mayberry.  Well, I do believe it just might be.  It seems I keep attracting old friends back into my life.  Today, as I arrived to my office building, I looked up and saw an old friend’s younger brother in the lobby.  We both looked at each other –  is that really you?  It turns out he just started working for one of the law firms in my office building 3 weeks ago.  My building has 35 floors and it is amazing that we were in the same elevator bank.  It was great to see him and we plan to have lunch on Friday to catch up on the last 10 years or so!  While my friend’s brother lives in the suburbs of New York City, my friend now lives in Albany with his family and three children.  We lost touch at some point after college when he moved to Albany.  I am thrilled to reconnect with his brother and hopefully him as well! 

New York City is this great player in my life.  She just sits there and provides this  frenetic, gritty but at the same time  beautiful backdrop that I tend to lose myself in.  I was born and raised in this hard city and I haven’t really lived anywhere else in my life.  I used to think that was a strange thing about me – but now I think how can I live anywhere else?  No other city would offer me the same type of synchronicity that New York City has been giving me over the last few weeks.   I’ve learned to appreciate the random experiences that I have had in a city as large and energetic as New York.  I am more aware of the synchronicity that life can offer and that this syncronocity is even more special when it is experienced in a huge city like New York.   The more I look, the more I find that I am falling into a deeper love with this great city, this great player in my life –  a player I never really appreciated before.

Learning to be Comfortable in the Uncertainty

12 Nov
Deepak Chopra in November 2006, speaking at Yahoo.

Image via Wikipedia

I have been trying so hard to work on my “power of now.”  However, I realized yesterday that I fell out of it.  It is so hard.  I have to start over, freshen up my mind and begin anew.  I have been dating Mid-Western Boy for several weeks now and I’m starting to get a little attached.  Of course, that leads to what will we do next week, next month, the holidays, why hasn’t he sent me two texts today, etc.

I’m a firm believer that relationships develop naturally – I felt like we were developing into something naturally, a missed good morning text yesterday – sent me on a rollercoaster ride during the day – which reminded me that I am not in the NOW. 

So, today, I need to figure out how to get me in the Now.  I don’t know what will happen with Mid-Western Boy.  Tonight may be the last night I see him or I might continue to date him for a few more weeks or a few more months. I just don’t know.  I need to remind myself that I have to remain in the NOW.  What will happen next week, next month or even tomorrow is not something I can control, I have to let destiny handle it and enjoy the ride.

When I was in the NOW, it was so much easier for me because I wasn’t anxious.  It is troubling me that I have become anxious about the whole communicating and seeing Mid-Western Boy.  I think much of the anxiety is that I have to plan around time with my son.  DB is so inconsistent with respect to when he sees my son.  He has already told me he is not taking him next Friday (my one weekend off this month) because he has something “to do.”   This of course, stresses me out because Mid-Western Boy is a medical student and doesn’t have much control over his schedule – so we have to make the time to see each other and I don’t like when routine or rhythm changes – it makes me unsettled.  I’m also concerned that he might think dating me is a lot of work because our schedules don’t conflict.  I have to remind myself that the right person in my life will understand my limited schedule and would want to continue to see me despite of it.

Deepak Chopra has said that we need to be comfortable in the uncertainty.  It is from the uncertainty that we can grow.  I am planning on downloading some Deepak meditations later today to help me get back on the path of the NOW and comfortable with the uncertainty of a nascent relationship.  

 Are all of these questions a result of my baggage from my unhealthy relationship with DB or is it normal?  If it is normal, I don’t want to be normal, I want to be in a relationship that there are no questions about where I stand, a relationship where I feel emotionally safe.

Reaping so much more than Apples from the harvest

18 Oct
Traditional apple orchard in Eastwood, Essex

Image via Wikipedia

We drove over one hour to a farm north of the city.  We were so excited about our excursion.  Three kids in the backseat of my friend’s car.  We endured lots of “are we there yets”  and answered lots of other questions about different car license plates and music.  When we finally arrived to this farm – early on Sunday morning we were told by the farm operators-” Sorry Madam, we are out of Apples”.  Well, you can imagine the look of surprise on our faces as our dreams of an idyllic autumn Sunday morning were deflated. 

We were not to be dissuaded.  Instead of taking no for an answer, we used our most persuasive negotiating skills to obtain permission to enter the orchards to have the kids take pictures.   The farm consented and we  allowed the children to run around the orchard, climb the trees, take pictures in the trees and search for nice looking apples on the ground.  The kids had a blast and it was great to see them run around outside and get fresh air by getting out of the city on Sunday.

My single mom friends have taught me so much.  Together, we were a team in planning a trip out of the city, packing snacks and lunches for the kids and turning what could have been a disappointing day into an adventure for our children.  I feel lucky to have a single mom network and grateful that together we, as a team, had a beautiful autumn Sunday afternoon with what some might call – “our not-so-traditional families.”

Modern Dating – Should the Man Pay when the Woman Earns More?

13 Oct

The Dating Game
Image via Wikipedia

I am going to say something that I’ve been struggling with  – I’m not sure I”m comfortable in a relationship where the man is not equally as successful as me financially.  There I said it – it is on cyberspace and forever part of  my online presence.  I have been asking myself the same question over and over again.  Can I be happy in a relationship where the man earns less money than me?  In the past, I thought I could – I married a man that did not earn as much as I.  In fact, he “asked for his money” from him employer so he can sit home and figure out ways to break his vows while I was at work.   I quickly learned shortly after our wedding that the precise reason he married me was because I would make “his life easier”.  He told me on a daily basis – all I was good for was to bring home a paycheck and make his life easier so he didn’t have to hustle.  This DB (aka douchebag) told me that I wasn’t good for anything else.  It was his daily mantra.  I almost believed him.  Then I had my son.  I realized that DB was just a lazy piece of shit and he didn’t deserve me.  I also realized I didn’t want my son to grow up and hear this disrespectful treatment of me or witness DB’s terrible work ethic.  He sued me during our divorce for things he had no right to including alimony of which I paid him in a lump sum, even after a mediator and the judge told him he had no rights to the alimony since he didn’t give up his job to take care of our son, that even though he was unemployed, our son was in day care full time.  I paid him the alimony to get out of the dysfunctional place that is called Family Court.  A place where an abuser can sue the abused for alimony.  I wanted to get out of that CRAZY TIME as quickly as possible.  He won,I lost and I didn’t care.  I wanted to be done with him.

And so, now I’m scarred.  I’m actually terrified that I will be taken advantage again in the same way.  Each time I meet a man that I think earns less money than me – I start to think that he may be a sociopath and wants only what I can offer him in a financial capacity.  That is where I am right now with respect to Mid-Western Boy.  I am starting to think he only likes me because he has seen where I lived, how I dressed and things about my life.  You see, Mid-Western Boy is a student.  He’s a 34 year old Medical Student.  While I enjoyed my three dates with Mid-Western Boy and I don’t really think about his income in any way while I’m with him – I do feel weird when he asks me to pony up on my portion of the bill for our date.  This has never really happened to me.  In all of my dating experiences, I’ve been paid for by the man, even when I was in college or law school when the man was a fellow student.  Heck, my Boy-Many almost always paid for me on a date.  I treated him too – for things – like massages, special congratulatory dinners – so I don’t mind paying but with being so new to dating I think it is strange that Mid-Western Boy hasn’t paid for me once.

I’m very much struggling with this.  I am an independent woman who can take care of herself and her son.  I am looking for a companion, a best friend, a man with integrity that can take care of me and my son in an emotional way.  Someone I admire and respect and know that person will be a good role model for my son.  It is too soon to tell if Mid-Western Boy is any of those things but the fact that he doesn’t offer to pay for me has raised a RED FLAG.  I’ve been conscious about where we go – we’ve gone for pizza, burgers and a glass of wine.  No real, romantic dinners.  I’ve had alot of fun on those dates with him but in the end I’m starting to feel that it is a little strange that he hasn’t offered to pay for our $20 in total dates.  It’s no loss to me to pay for my own pizza but I guess what I’m concerned about is whether or not this is a sign (a) that he is not interested in a real relationship with me, (b) is this a geographic cultural thing, (c) does he just want to be  my friend that keeps him company when he has a night off from school, or (d) is he a sociopath just like DB?

I’m wondering what the women and men think about this issue?  Am I just old-fashion in wanting to be treated and taken out by a man or is this an indication that the man is not interested in taking care of me?  What do you Think?


My Boyfriend is back . . .

12 Oct

My boyfriend, Running, is totally back in my life. We have been on a break since January and I’ve been through a lot of Therapy to help me get back together with Running.  We started to see each other again in June and we took it very slow.  We only spent a few minutes together twice a week.  However, I am happy to report that we seem to be on a more regular routine now.   Last week we ran 7 miles twice! I was elated and overjoyed for days.  I love the high I get when I spend an hour with my boyfriend, Running, I love the way I feel when I get back from a run and have to stretch out my body.  When I spend time with Running I love the the way my body looks and I feel confident and strong.  I feel empowered.  Spending time with Running not only makes me feel good physically but also emotionally.  I am better able to resolve difficult decisions after I Run.   I’m also able to clear my head and sleep better at night.  I’ve missed Running so much – at times I would cry and even whine about it to my family and friends.  Now that we are back together I feel complete again.


These last few days I loved spending time outdoors  in New York City with my boyfriend, Running.  I was able to enjoy Central Park’s hidden running trails, a New York City sunrise over the east river and Indian summer.  I feel totally satisfied now that Running and I are back together again. 

I did tell Running that although I want to spend everyday Running I can only limit our contact for now to 3 days a week.  learned from our separation that other things are also good for me – like total body conditioning classes and Yoga.  I think it is more important that Running and I look forward to spending time together instead of seeing our intimate Runs as a chore or a quickie before going to the office.  So, for now I will savor my three days a week that I spend with my boyfriend Running. I will look forward to our Dates, I will try not to schedule anything with anyone else during the scheduled Dates I have planned to spend with Running and I will remain in the moment.  I plan not to think about what milestones Running and I may hit this year or next year or even next month – I will remain in the moment with Running for now and see where my body and life takes us.

Two Dates in 24 Hours – The Efficient Single Mom

10 Oct

My son was with his dad this weekend and I scheduled a date with each of Elevator Man and Mid-Western Boy to utilize my free time efficiently.   I am viewing these dates as an interesting social experimentation  since I have never dated two men at one time.  These men are different from each other as Night is to Day.  I find it odd that I am attracted to both and enjoyed the company of both men.  I found both of my dates with them to be “nice.” 

I guess that’s my issue – I assumed one of them would sort of naturally inch out ahead of the other when I had an opportunity to see both of them in less than 24 hours.  In the end,  I felt neither of them swept me off my feet at any point.  I’m wondering if it is because I already see the demise of a relationship with either of them before I even allow one to develop?  Is this my baggage talking or is it my gut instinct?  I think I have a pretty strong instinct now that all that crap that my ex-husband did to me to bury my instinct (and lots of other things about my essence) throughout our relationship, has cleared out of my inner life.  If one of these men were the right one for me – wouldn’t I feel swept off my feet and would want to see one over the other?  One of my biggest issues with both of them is that when I kiss either of them I don’t have the same powerful, physical chemical reaction that I had when Boy-Man kissed me.  When Boy-Man kissed me or even touched my arm or held my hand – it was like some type of chemical reaction was released within my body.  Now when I reflect on that chemical reaction (i.e. fireworks), I wonder if my mind created those fireworks because I romanticized Boy-Man and elevated our physical connection – or was our connection real?

These are the questions I have about dating.  How do you know when it is the right person for you?  All the happily married people  say – “you just know”.   I don’t know how much I believe them.  I married my ex-husband and I didn’t “know that he was the right person for me.”  I did it – for a lot of different reasons – all of which took years of therapy to discover.  

What I do know is the following:  Elevator Man is very much a person who has similar interests to me.  I thought Boy-Man was the only man in the world that loved books and reading as much as I do, dressed-well and enjoyed art and museums.  I was wrong – Elevator Man does too – in a more refined way than my Boy-Man.  In addition, Elevator Man wants to be in an intimate, exclusive relationship (well he says that, but we haven’t had sex yet, so I know from my experience, that sex changes everything about what a man decides what he wants from a woman), something he has expressed several times to me.  Finally, Elevator Man actively CALLS me , like on the old-fashion telephone – just to say hi and keep connected during the week when we don’t see each other.  I admire this quality the most – I thought using the actual phone and hearing someone’s voice was pretty archaic in the dating world – but it isn’t to Elevator Man and I’m happy about that.

I haven’t learned much from Mid-Western Boy yet.  He seems pretty guarded.  I do have fun with him. He is pretty funny.   I do think Mid-Western Boy realizes that we are very different from each other – he was quite uncomfortable when he arrived at my building yesterday afternoon and realized that he had to ask the concierge for permission to enter.  I had warned him as I had a feeling he did not have much exposure to NYC apartment buildings but when he arrived he became all flustered in the lobby and called me and asked me what he should do.  I told him to come right up but my diligent doorman stopped him anyway and called me to ask for permission to let him up.  He also told me he thought I was very interesting and then when I asked him to elaborate – he became all  quiet – strange for him as he is extremely chatty.   He does kiss me in a very nice, passionate way.  We walked the city holding hands – which he actually insisted upon as I had my hands in my pocket – he reached for it and pulled it next to him.  It was sweet.  He didn’t try to come up to my apartment after our date – which I respected.  Unlike Elevator Man – who was attempting to use his most charming negotiating skills to come up and continue our our date into Sunday morning from Saturday Night.

I don’t know what I want from either of Elevator Man or Mid-Western Boy but I do know that I’ve already learned a couple of things about dating through them and I am having fun — that’s what I set out to do.  So I will keep seeing both of them until I’m not learning or having fun anymore.

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