Tag Archives: self-esteem

Peter Pan and Pixie Dust!

10 Apr
Tinker Bell and the Mysterious Winter Woods

Tinker Bell and the Mysterious Winter Woods (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There are days I love being a single mom.  This past Easter Sunday was one of them.  My son has been into Peter Pan since we returned from Disney in October.  He saw Peter Pan during one of the productions and at Magic Kingdom he just related to this character so much!  We’ve read the original story of Peter Pan before bedtime and  watched the guest appearance of  Peter Pan on Jake and the Neverland Pirates last month. 

The Easter bunny left some chocolate for him in his Easter basket but the highlight this year for my little guy was not the chocolate bunny from Lindt or the Peanut Butter Easter eggs – it was a Peter Pan costume.  He immediately decided to put it on and act in full character for me.

Later that day we had dinner with family near the beach and my son and I went for a walk on the beach (with Mid-Western Boy, as well).  My little guy was dressed in his Peter Pan costume and was an amazing sight to see as he searched for treasure on the beach and threatened to fight Captain Hook (aka. Mid-Western Boy) with “one hand behind his back!” 

It’s his imagination and creativity that I love!  I try my best to nurture this part of him because I know at some point I lost my imagination and find it hard to create – I want my son to know the importance of being creative and thinking freely.  I know that it is as a single parent that I am able to do this…the man I was married to, whom I conceived this beautiful child with , also known as DB, would never permit this in his home.  In fact, his father has repeatedly asked  me why I allow my son to run around outside the  home in costume.  My son has also confided in me many times that when he is at his father’s house he cannot choose what to wear on his own – his father choose his clothes for him….

Allowing my son to dress himself and wear his costumes and act out his favorite characters, I believe, allows for the full development of this little person — without interference from me or anyone else (except for maybe correcting on manners and other social skills) and allows him to be free from judgement, negativity and helps develop his confidence.  Something, that I think an overbearing father, like DB, would not allow to have happened.

My only regret is that I didn’t bring my camera along to capture this very special afternoon!

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My Boyfriend is back . . .

12 Oct

My boyfriend, Running, is totally back in my life. We have been on a break since January and I’ve been through a lot of Therapy to help me get back together with Running.  We started to see each other again in June and we took it very slow.  We only spent a few minutes together twice a week.  However, I am happy to report that we seem to be on a more regular routine now.   Last week we ran 7 miles twice! I was elated and overjoyed for days.  I love the high I get when I spend an hour with my boyfriend, Running, I love the way I feel when I get back from a run and have to stretch out my body.  When I spend time with Running I love the the way my body looks and I feel confident and strong.  I feel empowered.  Spending time with Running not only makes me feel good physically but also emotionally.  I am better able to resolve difficult decisions after I Run.   I’m also able to clear my head and sleep better at night.  I’ve missed Running so much – at times I would cry and even whine about it to my family and friends.  Now that we are back together I feel complete again.

 

These last few days I loved spending time outdoors  in New York City with my boyfriend, Running.  I was able to enjoy Central Park’s hidden running trails, a New York City sunrise over the east river and Indian summer.  I feel totally satisfied now that Running and I are back together again. 

I did tell Running that although I want to spend everyday Running I can only limit our contact for now to 3 days a week.  learned from our separation that other things are also good for me – like total body conditioning classes and Yoga.  I think it is more important that Running and I look forward to spending time together instead of seeing our intimate Runs as a chore or a quickie before going to the office.  So, for now I will savor my three days a week that I spend with my boyfriend Running. I will look forward to our Dates, I will try not to schedule anything with anyone else during the scheduled Dates I have planned to spend with Running and I will remain in the moment.  I plan not to think about what milestones Running and I may hit this year or next year or even next month – I will remain in the moment with Running for now and see where my body and life takes us.

Celebrating My 25 Year Old Reproductive Organs

6 Oct

Today is my birthday.  I turn 35 – I’ve officially entered my mid-thirties.  I remember when my Dad turned 40 and we had an “over the hill” party for him.  I don’t believe I’m 5 years closer to being “over the hill” and I think I’m much younger than my dad was at 35 but we shall see as time does its cruel crawl to that “over the hill” milestone. 

The first real relationship I had after my divorce was with that certain gentleman that I told you about – who was 10 years younger than me.  He was the most beautiful looking man (or should I say boy-man) I thought (and still think)  I had ever laid my eyes on.  Me, so practiced in self-criticism, so very self-conscious of my age, harbored several insecurities that “everyone” could tell how much older I was than him when I was with him.  I also felt insecurities about how  he would find distaste in  my body that had delivered vaginally a 7 lb 7 oz little man.  My inner life would constantly be preoccupied with evaluating the supple body and skin of beautiful twenty-something year olds walking the streets of New York City that I believed this beautiful boy-man should have been dating. 

After our relationship ended,  I  wallowed daily in the thoughts that my beautiful boy-man may at any moment fall in love with some supple twenty-something year old who did not harbor the scars of delivering and carrying a child and he would think to himself what the hell was he thinking of sleeping with and spending time with such an old lady as myself? 

Luckily for me, these thoughts were  put to rest a few weeks after our break-up (sometime in July) at my annual check-up with my Gynecologist.  I have been seeing this certain Gynecologist since I moved back to the city so she was not the same Gynecologist that delivered my son (although the history of my childbirth was in her charts).  As she was doing my sonogram and physical checkup of my ovaries, she told me that my uterus and ovaries were in great shape for when I was ready to have a child.  So, I looked up over my feet hoisted in those stirrups and said “Dr. M – I delivered a child almost 4 years to the day”.   And she blushed and was quite understandably startled and proceeded to look more closely at my digital chart on her electronic device and profusely apologized for not reviewing it carefully before seeing me.  I said it was quite alright.  When she checked my age she told me she thought I looked  about 10 years younger than I was! 

At first I was startled that this Gynecologist could not tell from looking at my vagina that I had delivered a child vaginally – don’t we all get kind of messed up down there after pushing a baby out?  I was distracted and wondering if I should find a new Gynecologist.   A few hours later I realized that I needed to listen more closely to the message the universe was trying to send me – that this was not cause for alarm – this was cause for celebration!  There was no need for me to be caught up in how I looked “so old” or the “numbers” and to stop being distracted by thoughts that my “private parts” were not up to par with some young thing’s vagina! 

So today when I celebrate my birthday, I will toast to my “25 year old-vagina” and remember to feel more confident in my body and my skin the next time I expose myself to a man like that again.

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